Unkindness, Less Confusion, Frustration etc...

I have a weakness, a major weakness.  When I feel hurt, or frustrated, I snap at people.  These are people I care about.  I say unkind things that are partially true, but are unkind.  It isn't all the way true, but has at least a minimal amount of truth.  I did this last night.  I was unkind to someone.  The same person I have been confused about for months.  He maybe didn't deserve it, but he also maybe wasn't that great to me either.  He had been ignoring me for a while.  I asked him a question and it ended up he wants me 100% out of his life.  Yes that is ok.  Yes that is probably a good thing, but the way it came out upset me, especially since I had a horrible day.  I snapped at him and said something very unkind.  He told me that when conversations like this happen, the real me comes out.  That kind of implies that I am rude, nasty etc...Yes I have my moments, but at my heart, I don't feel like I am rude, nasty etc.  I have moments of great unkindness.  I am frustrated.  I am frustrated at myself.  I am frustrated at the situation.  I am frustrated.  I am less confused because there is a clear line.  Fine.  That is FINE. He is a good person.  He isn't perfect and he was hurtful with or without realizing it.  I am a good person.   I am hurtful sometimes and I do know it.

I need to work on some of my weaknesses.  Well its time to start!

Still Confused...but will be ok

I am still confused.  We started dating some again...not really intensely, but we did see each other. I do believe he cares about me, but decided he needed time not with me.  We still talk some, but nothing exciting.  I know he dates other girls...I have also been out with people and talk online with others.  I am not that into it.  I hate this part of dating.  The part where you don't really know each other and are trying to make sense of things.

As far as the former boyfriend...I still care for him.  I suspect I always will.  I could renew things with him perhaps someday. I do think there would need to be a complete commitment.

I don't know if I should just drop the idea or not.  When I pray about it, I get the feeling that everything will be ok. that is about all I get.  I see the validity of dropping it.  I see the good reason to try to keep things up.  I don't know.  I know there were issues...but don't all relationships have problems?  Would I be able to find something better or just something with a different set of challenges?

I don't know.  I am trying to walk by faith...right now I am trying to err on the side of just dropping it all, but I am not successful at it.  I will keep trying.

Confused As Ever...

I don't know where I am heading and I am pretty much fed up with meaningless chatter on online dating sites.  It is slowly killing me!! Yes, I have been on dates and yes it was ok, but I don't want to go on an endless stream of first dates.  Should I continue with this trying to be proactive business?  Should I try to reconnect with the past?  I don't know.  What is it that is best for me.  Nothing is perfect, NOTHING.  Can I live with somethings? Yes, I can...but should I have to?

On the not so fun front a guy from church, whose wife died about a year ago, was hitting on me.  He is socially awkward and not someone I would ever be interested in.  He called me up last night to ask me a question about church.  I responded in a text because I didn't want to talk to him.  He asked me a follow up question.  I responded.  He then asked if he could call or text sometime...guess what I said?  I said that he should only if it was about church.  I have literally no interest in him.  Like I have heard before every pot has a lid.  He found the lid to his pot with his wife.  I am so very sorry his wife died.  They fit together.  I know he is lonely.  I often can be lonely too.  Lonely doesn't mean you should be together.  Loving someone also doesn't mean it is a good fit.

What do I want?  I want a healthy and happy relationship.  That doesn't mean I think it will be easy, or with out work.  I do think that there will be fights, disagreements and hurt feelings, but overall I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I don't want to be alone.  How can I achieve this goal?  I don't know.  Going on first dates from online doesn't seem to be producing the outcome I want.  That doesn't mean that it won't...eventually.  Do I have that patience?  I don't know.  Do I have the patience to let someone figure out if he wants to date me or not.  I don't know?  I just don't know.

General Conference

I am definitely not a perfect person...not by any means.  I try to be good, but sometimes lack self control.  I make poor decisions with my agency.  I sometimes continually make the same mistakes...It's difficult.  I have a propensity for certain kinds of sin, some bigger, some smaller.  I have a renewed desire to be better.  I need to put off the natural man, turn my life towards Christ and find JOY in Him.  I can be better.  It will take some time.  It won't happen in the next minute, but I can better.  I need not worry about the past except that I can give up my sins and come unto Christ. I can be better, a lot better.  For those around me...please help me in this quest.  I need your help.  I know I can also get help from God.  He gives help to those who ask and have FAITH he will provide.  He can and will help me to be better.  Conference can help you remember these things. Overall, I thought this was a conference of hope.  I don't always think this.  Sometimes I feel like it is more of hellfire and damnation. I am glad to feel the hope of forgiveness and hope.

Resolved...or not Resolved that is the Question...

I thought I was resolved about my thoughts....I don't know if I am.

My feelings haven't really changed, but is it really feasible? How can I be certain about what to do? What things do I need to do?

I am however resolved to be stronger than I am today.  I am determined to be a better teacher and work hard to accomplish that.

I am not going to give up on my dating life.  I am going to keep trucking through all the muck to find someone wonderful!

**Good news I talked to a nice guy yesterday.  I am hoping for good things.  Even if it is a good conversation...I am excited to talk to this guy again.  I enjoyed our first conversation and hope to have another.

**Not so good news, I have had several jerky men who just want physical stuff.  At least the one today asked to make out.  I guess that is better than asking if I am kinky or how Mormon am I?

Longing...

I am longing to talk to him.  Yes that is the word, longing.  I am frustrated that that isn't an option for me right now.  I am also frustrated that there is no good options on my other end of dating.  Dating apps and sites are lame.  There are no good options.  I have chatted a little bit with a few different men, but nothing I care about.  So here I am longing...

non jerk

Yes I am aware that I may be making some poor choices and have made some poor choices in my life.  I will say it really bothers me that certain people in my life are referring to the man I dated as a jerk.  He isn't a jerk. Granted he is not ready...but that doesn't mean he is a jerk.  I actually think he is a kind man who isn't ready for a relationship...maybe never will be.  If the opportunity presented itself, I would date him again just to see.  Our issues were communication.  That is something you can fix.  You can't fix a respect issue.  He was hurt still and had some bad habits from his former marriage.  I have issues too from being perpetually single.  I am not saying it will work out.  It more than likely will not.  I also will say that online dating is kind of the worst.  All these guys are just at best bleh, or at worst pretty yucky.  I am not really interested in any of them.  Is this what my life is going to be like--endless swipes left or right to find nothing special at the end of the rainbow.  No thank you! Overall I hate when people refer to him as a jerk. It isn't ok.  Maybe situations were not great...but it was never intentional. There are a lot more jerky men out there...and I have met my fair share of them.

Confused...

I am confused...I don't know what I want.  I will tell you what I don't want though.  I don't want to be jerked around by anyone.  If you like me, great!  If not, great!  I don't like this wishy-washy business.

If you are afraid of hurting my feelings--just hurt my feelings.  If you don't want to talk to me, don't.  If you don't like me-fine! Don't go back and forth acting like you like me and then pulling away.  JUST BE HONEST! Ya, honestly may hurt...but it hurts less than dishonesty. I feel jerked around by multiple people right now.  I feel jerked around at school, in my online dating life, in friendships...everything.  I just want honestly.

I am aware that I am not perfect.  I have some habits that can make others feel uncomfortable.  So does everyone else.  I deserve people being honest with me at the very least.

Overall, because I am confused because of lack of communication, I don't know which way to go.

Cross Dressing Yikes

Yes, today I got a message from a guy online who was literally a cross dresser.  Yes he confessed everything...and said he really likes that and wants to be with someone who loves him for who he is.  As much as I would love to be understanding...I know I could not be with someone like that.  I am sure he is nice and good in many ways...but the answer is no!!  I need to be the feminine one in the relationship, not one of the feminine ones.  I don't even wear heels that often...a man can't wear them more than I do. THE END

Grumpy Teacher

You know grumpy cat...well today I was grumpy teacher.  I swear all of the things that I tried to do to help my kids stay on task and work, were not working.  My after school conversation with my friend Tammy I think shed some light on some things I should do.  We were talking about relationships.  She is in a pretty serious one!  YEAH!  We were talking about processing things and how sometimes the ones we date don't process things the same way.  I tend to process things by talking it through with myself, write about it on my blog, or talk with others.  Its not even that I want it resolved super quickly, but I just want my thoughts out there.  Other people like herself tend to need time to resolve things and process things.  What we maybe both realized is that we need to be a little more compassionate and understanding of others as we process things differently and try to address their needs as well as our own.  Now back to grumpy teacher.  I need to make this a win-win for the class and myself.
My needs:
1. I need to teach them concepts and skills
2. I need to them to listen so they can learn said concepts and skills
3. I need them to work hard
4. Respect for me


Their needs:
1. They need to have engaging lessons (perhaps I have been a little too boring)
2. They need their reward they earned...we just didn't have time today kids. Sorry it is coming!
3. Respect from me and others
4. Love from their teacher


I do address some of these needs...just maybe I need to be a little more understanding of where they are coming from.  I need to place myself back into their shoes.

UPDATE

So you know that Brit who was not super nice?  Well later in the day on Saturday, he asked if we could start over.  I said ok sure.  He asked if I wanted to do something that night.  I pretty much said I needed to do grading. Yes it is true, but I also wasn't ready to go out with him since he blew me off earlier because I was just trying to be honest about the whole going a little slower thing.  He really did make me uncomfortable talking about relationships and kissing me.  bleck! It isn't that it maybe wouldn't be ok eventually, but on the first time you talk to me it is not acceptable.  He texted later that night to see how grading went.  I said ok and that I was watching a Jane Austen movie. He seemed put out that I wasn't texting...except that I was, I was just watching a beloved movie at the same time.  One that I probably could quote so it was totally ok I was texting.  He said good night.  On Sunday he texted me about 9:30 pm.  He asked how I was.  I told him I was getting tired.  He said ok good night then.  Just because I say I was getting tired doesn't mean that I can't talk or text. I told him I wasn't going to bed until about 10:30/ He asked if I could talk.  I said yes but not for too long, because I needed to still organize some things for the next day.  He told me that this was getting dull and that any friendship we were developing was over now.

My impressions:He is kind of a jerk.  He also needs to chillax as my friend Scott said once about the bishop on our river rafting trip.  I was just being honest.  He basically told me the day before that we were over because I overreacted.  Maybe I did...but he also did make me very uncomfortable with all his crap about wanting to kiss me and if a relationship worked out kind of talk.  That is not ok for a first conversation.  So I was just trying to say that I needed to be a little slower, but was still excited to meet him.  He is not the man for me.  I dodged a bullet.  Maybe there is a reason why he is divorced and it isn't just his wife as he was implying on our conversation.

OKAY

What is supposed to happen next?  I don't know.  Every time I pray the answer I get to my prayers is that it will be okay. What does that mean?  I don't know.  Does it mean I will find my husband?  Does it mean I will be single?  Does it mean that things will potentially work out with someone I already know?  I just don't know.  I will do my best to go forth with faith.  Faith is sometimes a hard thing for me.  I know that God will direct my path one way or another.

What I do want out of this life:
A loving husband who works hard on our relationship...because both of us need to work hard.  He needs to be loving, kind, good and a hard worker.
Having a family with children of my own (I would love to be a step/bonus mom too).
Be successful at accomplishing goals in my career.
Having good friends that help me and I help them.
A chance to help others.
Returning to My Father in Heaven.

Life Lessons learned from Jane Austen

I have seen and read Jane Austen type things many times over.  Sometimes I binge watch everything I own or can borrow.  Sometimes I reread things.  These are some of the things that I have learned from Jane Austen.

• Good books stand the test of time
• Good stories deserve to be told again and again (it is ok to make adaptations and continuations)
• Be careful who you trust, be careful to get to know one's true character  There are often too many douchey men out there like Wickham
• Don't judge people upon your first meeting--just look at Mr. Darcy!
• A well written letter can make all the difference--Captain Wentworth you pierce my soul!
• Follow your heart, don't let people talk you out of what you know is best for you.  Ann Elliot and Harriet Smith were talked out of their true love by others. Both luckily were able to end up with the right man in the end.
• Don't loose hope--good things happen can happen even when all hope is gone--Ann Elliot you are too patient
• Being kind to others is never a bad thing
• Treat people with the respect they deserve even if they annoy you like Miss Bates and everyone deserves respect
• Don't jump to conclusions like Catherine Morland did
• Money should not make a difference in who you marry
• Vanity working on a frail mind produces every kind of mischeif
• Be cautious--Thank you Mr Woodhouse
• You can marry as an older woman like Miss Weston
• You can make up for your mistakes and become a better person like Emma
• Listen to those who have your best interests in heart, but make decisions on your own to be better
• Sometimes dashing men like Willoughby draw our attentions away from much more deserving men like Colonel Brandon.  Though we may fall in love with them, we must look more to the true character of them.
• Sometimes people are hurting inwardly--never assume your hurt is more than someone else's
• Forgiveness is important
• Instinct (the spirit) can help us choose good men
• Don't live on borrowed money...it brings nothing good
• Be frugal and live within your means unlike the Elliots 
• Objects are just things--one does not need objects to be happy
• Be a good aunt like Miss Bates--love your nieces and nephews and be excited for good things in their lives

Problems

I just had an epiphany of how I deal with things.  I don't think I do this 100% of the time, but I sure as heck do this!  I try to solve things from the past in current interactions.  That is what I did today and that is why I don't have a date.  I wasn't uber excited about it, but I thought it was a good first interaction to move on.  Yes the guy seemed nice, but I wasn't feeling entirely comfortable, so I tried to solve things by being clear.  I didn't want any misunderstandings.  I feel like in my past relationships with men and women both romantic and otherwise there have been misunderstandings.  I was just trying to solve those things.  I maybe was a little over honest with him and myself.  Ron Davidson, a former coworker, said sometimes I was too honest.  This is probably true.  I just need to take some time to observe before I act or say something.  Easier said than done, right?  I will try to do my best.

Moving on

So I am really attempting to move on...but I find myself still thinking about what could have been.  Really the only issues we had were communicating in a way that didn't cause anxiety for either party.  No hurt was intentional on either end.  When you are with someone, you need to try to understand how they process things and view the world.  That helps when you are communicating.  No, that doesn't mean you will be perfect at it, or should be, but it can help.  It helps us give each other the benefit of the doubt.  It helps us make an effort to word things in a way that helps the other person.  We want to leave people better, not worse.  Both of us had a hard time looking beyond our own perspective.

So in my attempts to move on, I have reactivated my online account on okcupid and started bumble.  NO I don't love either, but its a start right?  I have a date with a British gentleman today.  He seems nice and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, so that is promising right?  However, he seems to be going 90mph when I want to go maybe 50.  In my last relationship, he wanted to go 25.  Speeds can help or hinder the relationship.  Perhaps just my conversation with this British man has helped me to realize that maybe I was pushing too much without realizing it and making him uncomfortable in my last relationship.  All I know is I did my best!

As for first dates...that is all I am expecting...just a first date.  This will help me move on regardless of if we go on more dates.  I also liked the flirting and attention.  I think I needed that on some level.  Remember how I feel a little unwanted and unlovable?  Ya...well this helped a little and I also know change comes from within, not without.


***Update...I texted this fellow and said something about I am excited for our date, however I am not ready for things to go too fast.  I only said that because of our conversation last night.  He talked already about a second date and a possibility of a relationship and wanting to kiss me.  It a little bit freaked me out.  So now he said he was going to postpone maybe forever the possibility of a date.  Oh well... It isn't that big of deal.

Understanding

Just because I am and was hurt doesn't mean that I don't understand how he was confused and hurt too.  I do have some empathy in this whole process.  I maybe didn't allow enough time, or maybe overthought somethings, but I do understand.  When there was a misunderstanding, I tried to ask questions to fix it. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes he became annoyed at me.  I try to resolve things.  I think the problem is that we all view things through the lens of our past.  Everything is filtered through our past triumphs, mistakes, pains etc.  That doesn't mean that we have a full understanding of what is going on.  We try, but we don't have a full understanding.  My understanding of him was through the lens that I have and visa versa.  We only understood as much as we had background understanding to help us "get it." We probably could infer some more information...but there were some critical things we did not understand about each others emotions or background.  I don't know what it is like to have been married in my 20s and married for 15 years.  I don't know what it is like to have kids.  I don't know what it is like to have a parent die.  I don't know lots of things, but I can try to have empathy and I think I did on some level...maybe not enough.  He also doesn't know what it is like to have someone break up with you 3 weeks before your wedding date, or to be perpetually single, or so desperately want to have children but know that your biological clock is ticking and that may never happen, or to be a single woman in a church where there are more faithful women than men and know that there is a chance that you may be single the rest of your life.  We don't always understand what causes others fears or uncertainties or any other emotion completely, but we should try.  We need to also be open enough with our emotions and thoughts so that someone we are will can start to understand how we feel. When we are with others we need to try to have a paradigm shift so that we can see through their lens.  It is hard, but I do think it is essential in any kind of relationship.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts.  I find a dichotomy in my life.  I want to talk to him and tell him little things that happen during the day.  I like talking to him...but now I can't.  I also don't want to talk to him, because I really don't think I mattered enough to him.  I think he liked having me around.  Maybe he even cared for me to the best of his ability, but it was hard for me to not really know what he really thought since he didn't express it.  If I asked he said he couldn't express it. Fair enough! Our demons from our past crept into our relationship.  My anxieties kept me asking about how he was feeling.  I wanted to trust what he said or did...but because of my broken engagement I couldn't fully.  I really tried.  Because of his divorce and how it all ended and even the whole marriage led him to not be able to express himself.  We were two damaged beings that tried to figure it out, but struggled.  It became too much.  I still care for him, maybe still love him but the love is more platonic at this point and less romantic.  It hurts too much to be romantic.  I will continue to try to overcome this anxiety, but I don't know if I can completely without being in a caring committed relationship with someone who understands that I have these anxieties and works with me.  That is not to say that he is perfect, just understands that I have fears about relationships.

Unlovable

I feel rather unlovable at the moment.  Yes I am fully aware that my break up wasn't all my fault.  I own my mistakes.  I know some of my mistakes, but not all of them, or to the full extent.  I will get there.  I try hard and fully invest myself in relationships.  It doesn't work for me apparently.  Despite my efforts, I am someone who is not good enough for a relationship.  I feel unlovable.

Yes I know this isn't all true...but it feels this way.  Everyone deserves to be adored.  I deserve that.  I may never get it, but I deserve it.

Validated

I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!

Give up or stick it out?

When should you give up or stick it out?  What if it is better for someone for you to just back out?  What if it is better for you?  What if it isn't?  What if sticking it out could be the most beautiful thing?  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now trying to figure everything out.  It may be wonderful and beautiful, but there may be a lot of heartache along the way.  Is that worth it?  I don't want to cause any more pain or heartache for others and that is what I feel like I am doing.  I am making it hard for others and I can't do that.  I am not strong enough to cause people pain, even if it is unintentional.

Frustration

I am so frustrated!  I know I am not perfect by any means.  I make mistakes, so many mistakes.  So it is time to vent for a second and try to make a plan to make myself better.  I feel like some friends I have are not true friends.  I get that people are just trying to take care of themselves, but it doesn't mean I am not hurt or frustrated.  Planning for the future with others is hard when you all have different needs and wants.  Yes you want to work together, but you don't want to feel shafted either.  I don't like it.

So planning to make myself better. 
1. Really listen to other people.  Don't assume my problems are more important that other people's problems
2. Try to find some sort of compromise when working with others that everyone feels like they are ok in the end
3. Its ok to not get what you want, but it is also ok to fight for yourself.
4.Pray and listen for guidance