Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Grumpy Teacher

You know grumpy cat...well today I was grumpy teacher.  I swear all of the things that I tried to do to help my kids stay on task and work, were not working.  My after school conversation with my friend Tammy I think shed some light on some things I should do.  We were talking about relationships.  She is in a pretty serious one!  YEAH!  We were talking about processing things and how sometimes the ones we date don't process things the same way.  I tend to process things by talking it through with myself, write about it on my blog, or talk with others.  Its not even that I want it resolved super quickly, but I just want my thoughts out there.  Other people like herself tend to need time to resolve things and process things.  What we maybe both realized is that we need to be a little more compassionate and understanding of others as we process things differently and try to address their needs as well as our own.  Now back to grumpy teacher.  I need to make this a win-win for the class and myself.
My needs:
1. I need to teach them concepts and skills
2. I need to them to listen so they can learn said concepts and skills
3. I need them to work hard
4. Respect for me

Their needs:
1. They need to have engaging lessons (perhaps I have been a little too boring)
2. They need their reward they earned...we just didn't have time today kids. Sorry it is coming!
3. Respect from me and others
4. Love from their teacher

I do address some of these needs...just maybe I need to be a little more understanding of where they are coming from.  I need to place myself back into their shoes.

Monday, August 29, 2016


So you know that Brit who was not super nice?  Well later in the day on Saturday, he asked if we could start over.  I said ok sure.  He asked if I wanted to do something that night.  I pretty much said I needed to do grading. Yes it is true, but I also wasn't ready to go out with him since he blew me off earlier because I was just trying to be honest about the whole going a little slower thing.  He really did make me uncomfortable talking about relationships and kissing me.  bleck! It isn't that it maybe wouldn't be ok eventually, but on the first time you talk to me it is not acceptable.  He texted later that night to see how grading went.  I said ok and that I was watching a Jane Austen movie. He seemed put out that I wasn't texting...except that I was, I was just watching a beloved movie at the same time.  One that I probably could quote so it was totally ok I was texting.  He said good night.  On Sunday he texted me about 9:30 pm.  He asked how I was.  I told him I was getting tired.  He said ok good night then.  Just because I say I was getting tired doesn't mean that I can't talk or text. I told him I wasn't going to bed until about 10:30/ He asked if I could talk.  I said yes but not for too long, because I needed to still organize some things for the next day.  He told me that this was getting dull and that any friendship we were developing was over now.

My impressions:He is kind of a jerk.  He also needs to chillax as my friend Scott said once about the bishop on our river rafting trip.  I was just being honest.  He basically told me the day before that we were over because I overreacted.  Maybe I did...but he also did make me very uncomfortable with all his crap about wanting to kiss me and if a relationship worked out kind of talk.  That is not ok for a first conversation.  So I was just trying to say that I needed to be a little slower, but was still excited to meet him.  He is not the man for me.  I dodged a bullet.  Maybe there is a reason why he is divorced and it isn't just his wife as he was implying on our conversation.


What is supposed to happen next?  I don't know.  Every time I pray the answer I get to my prayers is that it will be okay. What does that mean?  I don't know.  Does it mean I will find my husband?  Does it mean I will be single?  Does it mean that things will potentially work out with someone I already know?  I just don't know.  I will do my best to go forth with faith.  Faith is sometimes a hard thing for me.  I know that God will direct my path one way or another.

What I do want out of this life:
A loving husband who works hard on our relationship...because both of us need to work hard.  He needs to be loving, kind, good and a hard worker.
Having a family with children of my own (I would love to be a step/bonus mom too).
Be successful at accomplishing goals in my career.
Having good friends that help me and I help them.
A chance to help others.
Returning to My Father in Heaven.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Life Lessons learned from Jane Austen

I have seen and read Jane Austen type things many times over.  Sometimes I binge watch everything I own or can borrow.  Sometimes I reread things.  These are some of the things that I have learned from Jane Austen.
  • Good books stand the test of time
  • Good stories deserve to be told again and again (it is ok to make adaptations and continuations)
  • Be careful who you trust, be careful to get to know one's true character  There are often too many douchey men out there like Wickham
  • Don't judge people upon your first meeting--just look at Mr. Darcy!
  • A well written letter can make all the difference--Captain Wentworth you pierce my soul!
  • Follow your heart, don't let people talk you out of what you know is best for you.  Ann Elliot and Harriet Smith were talked out of their true love by others. Both luckily were able to end up with the right man in the end.
  • Don't loose hope--good things happen can happen even when all hope is gone--Ann Elliot you are too patient
  • Being kind to others is never a bad thing
  • Treat people with the respect they deserve even if they annoy you like Miss Bates and everyone deserves respect
  • Don't jump to conclusions like Catherine Morland did
  • Money should not make a difference in who you marry
  • Vanity working on a frail mind produces every kind of mischeif
  • Be cautious--Thank you Mr Woodhouse
  • You can marry as an older woman like Miss Weston
  • You can make up for your mistakes and become a better person like Emma
  • Listen to those who have your best interests in heart, but make decisions on your own to be better
  • Sometimes dashing men like Willoughby draw our attentions away from much more deserving men like Colonel Brandon.  Though we may fall in love with them, we must look more to the true character of them.
  • Sometimes people are hurting inwardly--never assume your hurt is more than someone else's
  • Forgiveness is important
  • Instinct (the spirit) can help us choose good men
  • Don't live on borrowed money...it brings nothing good
  • Be frugal and live within your means unlike the Elliots 
  • Objects are just things--one does not need objects to be happy
  • Be a good aunt like Miss Bates--love your nieces and nephews and be excited for good things in their lives


I just had an epiphany of how I deal with things.  I don't think I do this 100% of the time, but I sure as heck do this!  I try to solve things from the past in current interactions.  That is what I did today and that is why I don't have a date.  I wasn't uber excited about it, but I thought it was a good first interaction to move on.  Yes the guy seemed nice, but I wasn't feeling entirely comfortable, so I tried to solve things by being clear.  I didn't want any misunderstandings.  I feel like in my past relationships with men and women both romantic and otherwise there have been misunderstandings.  I was just trying to solve those things.  I maybe was a little over honest with him and myself.  Ron Davidson, a former coworker, said sometimes I was too honest.  This is probably true.  I just need to take some time to observe before I act or say something.  Easier said than done, right?  I will try to do my best.

Moving on

So I am really attempting to move on...but I find myself still thinking about what could have been.  Really the only issues we had were communicating in a way that didn't cause anxiety for either party.  No hurt was intentional on either end.  When you are with someone, you need to try to understand how they process things and view the world.  That helps when you are communicating.  No, that doesn't mean you will be perfect at it, or should be, but it can help.  It helps us give each other the benefit of the doubt.  It helps us make an effort to word things in a way that helps the other person.  We want to leave people better, not worse.  Both of us had a hard time looking beyond our own perspective.

So in my attempts to move on, I have reactivated my online account on okcupid and started bumble.  NO I don't love either, but its a start right?  I have a date with a British gentleman today.  He seems nice and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, so that is promising right?  However, he seems to be going 90mph when I want to go maybe 50.  In my last relationship, he wanted to go 25.  Speeds can help or hinder the relationship.  Perhaps just my conversation with this British man has helped me to realize that maybe I was pushing too much without realizing it and making him uncomfortable in my last relationship.  All I know is I did my best!

As for first dates...that is all I am expecting...just a first date.  This will help me move on regardless of if we go on more dates.  I also liked the flirting and attention.  I think I needed that on some level.  Remember how I feel a little unwanted and unlovable?  Ya...well this helped a little and I also know change comes from within, not without.

***Update...I texted this fellow and said something about I am excited for our date, however I am not ready for things to go too fast.  I only said that because of our conversation last night.  He talked already about a second date and a possibility of a relationship and wanting to kiss me.  It a little bit freaked me out.  So now he said he was going to postpone maybe forever the possibility of a date.  Oh well... It isn't that big of deal.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Just because I am and was hurt doesn't mean that I don't understand how he was confused and hurt too.  I do have some empathy in this whole process.  I maybe didn't allow enough time, or maybe overthought somethings, but I do understand.  When there was a misunderstanding, I tried to ask questions to fix it. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes he became annoyed at me.  I try to resolve things.  I think the problem is that we all view things through the lens of our past.  Everything is filtered through our past triumphs, mistakes, pains etc.  That doesn't mean that we have a full understanding of what is going on.  We try, but we don't have a full understanding.  My understanding of him was through the lens that I have and visa versa.  We only understood as much as we had background understanding to help us "get it." We probably could infer some more information...but there were some critical things we did not understand about each others emotions or background.  I don't know what it is like to have been married in my 20s and married for 15 years.  I don't know what it is like to have kids.  I don't know what it is like to have a parent die.  I don't know lots of things, but I can try to have empathy and I think I did on some level...maybe not enough.  He also doesn't know what it is like to have someone break up with you 3 weeks before your wedding date, or to be perpetually single, or so desperately want to have children but know that your biological clock is ticking and that may never happen, or to be a single woman in a church where there are more faithful women than men and know that there is a chance that you may be single the rest of your life.  We don't always understand what causes others fears or uncertainties or any other emotion completely, but we should try.  We need to also be open enough with our emotions and thoughts so that someone we are will can start to understand how we feel. When we are with others we need to try to have a paradigm shift so that we can see through their lens.  It is hard, but I do think it is essential in any kind of relationship.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My heart hurts

My heart hurts.  I find a dichotomy in my life.  I want to talk to him and tell him little things that happen during the day.  I like talking to him...but now I can't.  I also don't want to talk to him, because I really don't think I mattered enough to him.  I think he liked having me around.  Maybe he even cared for me to the best of his ability, but it was hard for me to not really know what he really thought since he didn't express it.  If I asked he said he couldn't express it. Fair enough! Our demons from our past crept into our relationship.  My anxieties kept me asking about how he was feeling.  I wanted to trust what he said or did...but because of my broken engagement I couldn't fully.  I really tried.  Because of his divorce and how it all ended and even the whole marriage led him to not be able to express himself.  We were two damaged beings that tried to figure it out, but struggled.  It became too much.  I still care for him, maybe still love him but the love is more platonic at this point and less romantic.  It hurts too much to be romantic.  I will continue to try to overcome this anxiety, but I don't know if I can completely without being in a caring committed relationship with someone who understands that I have these anxieties and works with me.  That is not to say that he is perfect, just understands that I have fears about relationships.

Saturday, August 20, 2016


I feel rather unlovable at the moment.  Yes I am fully aware that my break up wasn't all my fault.  I own my mistakes.  I know some of my mistakes, but not all of them, or to the full extent.  I will get there.  I try hard and fully invest myself in relationships.  It doesn't work for me apparently.  Despite my efforts, I am someone who is not good enough for a relationship.  I feel unlovable.

Yes I know this isn't all true...but it feels this way.  Everyone deserves to be adored.  I deserve that.  I may never get it, but I deserve it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!