Thursday, December 15, 2016

Unkindness, Less Confusion, Frustration etc...

I have a weakness, a major weakness.  When I feel hurt, or frustrated, I snap at people.  These are people I care about.  I say unkind things that are partially true, but are unkind.  It isn't all the way true, but has at least a minimal amount of truth.  I did this last night.  I was unkind to someone.  The same person I have been confused about for months.  He maybe didn't deserve it, but he also maybe wasn't that great to me either.  He had been ignoring me for a while.  I asked him a question and it ended up he wants me 100% out of his life.  Yes that is ok.  Yes that is probably a good thing, but the way it came out upset me, especially since I had a horrible day.  I snapped at him and said something very unkind.  He told me that when conversations like this happen, the real me comes out.  That kind of implies that I am rude, nasty etc...Yes I have my moments, but at my heart, I don't feel like I am rude, nasty etc.  I have moments of great unkindness.  I am frustrated.  I am frustrated at myself.  I am frustrated at the situation.  I am frustrated.  I am less confused because there is a clear line.  Fine.  That is FINE. He is a good person.  He isn't perfect and he was hurtful with or without realizing it.  I am a good person.   I am hurtful sometimes and I do know it.

I need to work on some of my weaknesses.  Well its time to start!

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Still Confused...but will be ok

I am still confused.  We started dating some again...not really intensely, but we did see each other. I do believe he cares about me, but decided he needed time not with me.  We still talk some, but nothing exciting.  I know he dates other girls...I have also been out with people and talk online with others.  I am not that into it.  I hate this part of dating.  The part where you don't really know each other and are trying to make sense of things.

As far as the former boyfriend...I still care for him.  I suspect I always will.  I could renew things with him perhaps someday. I do think there would need to be a complete commitment.

I don't know if I should just drop the idea or not.  When I pray about it, I get the feeling that everything will be ok. that is about all I get.  I see the validity of dropping it.  I see the good reason to try to keep things up.  I don't know.  I know there were issues...but don't all relationships have problems?  Would I be able to find something better or just something with a different set of challenges?

I don't know.  I am trying to walk by faith...right now I am trying to err on the side of just dropping it all, but I am not successful at it.  I will keep trying.