Trials

I am aware that we all have trials in our lives. They are all hard for the person who is in the middle of them. I am some ones that are pretty observable. Many peoples are less observable, but are still challenging none the less. I have seen so many people this week who have had some struggles that have broken my heart for them. I have also struggled with my own trials. I have cried for my own trials and theirs this week and I hope for the best for all of us involved.

I also think some of my trials were chosen by me before this life or were chosen by my choices in this life. For example due to my choices in this life of becoming a teacher and then working toward a masters degree has led to some frustrations and trials. This is not completely unheard of in the world of teaching. Look at the Chicago teachers. They stood up for a better work environment and situation for them and for the students even if they didn't teach for over a week. Schools cannot be run like a business because kids are not products. They have their own will power and choices and back stories. I feel underappreciated. So my specific frustrations are with a few choices by my district and their deadline for turning in paper work for the master's degree to be compensated. Yes I am happy they are funding steps and lanes this year. But no local universities are done before April 15. Could we maybe change the date? THANKS!

So here is my other trial that I think I chose. I really think I have chosen to be single. I think I chose it before coming to this earth. I am sure this was a trial that I knew could handle. I know I don't always like it in this life but I know it could be worse. I could be in a bad marriage or have a child out of wed lock etc...

Now my friends this week have had hard situations this week. And yes I really did cry a few times for them. I hope for the best for them, but will leave their specific situations out of this post for their privacy. And for them--you are strong, you have support around you through family and friends. You got this! Believe in yourself. We love you!

For the Love of John Adams and more...

Let love and vanity be extinguished and the great passions of ambition, patriotism, break out and burn." John Adams

Ok so I love, loVE, LOVE that quote! Granted John Adams said it before he met Abigail, but still its AWESOME! I have been reading John Adams and its very interesting...like how he was the 14th to graduate from Harvard in his class of 25 because their order was all about their rank in society. Funny how we know nothing about the rest of his graduating class, huh?

Life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to worry about finding love...because it doesn't seem to be something that will come my way. There is a lack of gentlemen callers, lack of crushes---so basically no options. No one seems to be scoring high on the "crush factor." Ya I threw that in there for any of you who read my blog from the 98th ward. True one doesn't really play the game anymore, but sometimes I catch myself still using the same familiar rubric--if only in my head. :) Wouldn't it be great if all we had to think about were passions of ambitions and patriotism?

Secondly I have other issues...like carrying multiple suitcases of baggage that prevent me from really allowing myself to go forward with anything. I become a saboteur of all kids of relationships. Ya truth is I don't like anyone, but that is mostly because I don't allow myself to. Good thing I have my TV and movie star boyfriends..

Calling, Shopping, and More

So the wait is over...I have been called to be the Relief Society President. It is a little overwhelming, as anyone could tell you, but also I think it will be good for me. It will teach me some much needed skills, ie taking control and being in charge. Yes I do have to do this for my job, but its different making decisions with a bunch of 11 year olds. I have found myself not sure what decisions to make regarding the different Relief Society committees, but ultimately I have to make a decision--so goodbye indecisiveness.

Shopping---I hate it! I went on a date yesterday with a new guy, another set up type. This guy was 40. Egads! I feel like that is a little too old for me. He is my older brothers age---I mean my oldest brother's age. You know the guy who helped change my diapers and stuff...With that said, he was ok, it wasn't the best date, but also wasn't the worst. (Much better than my last set up a few weeks ago where it was hard to carry a conversation.) He asked me if I liked shopping and the answer I told him was NO! He asked if I liked it in Jr. High and High School where girls go hang out in the mall and talk and have girl time, the answer is still no. I don't like shopping. I hate looking around for things and as for girl time, I would rather just hang out at someones house and chat, or do it on the phone or go to lunch or something. That being said, I do like new things, like every good consumer does. I like new clothes, I like new options of food to make and eat, I like new electronics. I just don't like going to the store to get it. I hate trying on clothes, I hate looking at all the options, I just hate it. Often clothes don't fit the way you want, or they don't have the product you want or any of that. It actually is worse if it is in a "Tupperwear party" format. Those are so much worse. I hate the scrap booking, pampered chef, Mary Kay, jewelry parties. ALL OF THEM! You get invited, you feel like you have to attend, and then you feel pressured to buy something. I am not saying these products are bad, I just hate the format. It is the same for me in shopping for a husband. I hate dating! Loathe it actually. I am not saying I will hate the end product, I just hate the process. So shopping for a husband, I hate trying on different guys for size. They often don't fit. I hate looking and the product or guy I want is out of stock. Even when you think you find something, it doesn't always pan out.

More...Well the more in this case is the cake fiasco of 2011. I was making my birthday cake and as we have already established in this blog, I like making cakes. I decided to be just a little different this year and make an "adult" cake. Not like my giraffe cake from a few years ago, or the pirate cake for my 28th, but a real adult round two layer cake with some flowers. Nothing too big, but something adultesque. I was going to even go for a new taste. So I made my chocolate cake. I baked it into two round pans and waited for it to cool. While this was happening, I made some marshmallow fondant to cover the cake with. I also made some new frosting--ie the new taste. I made strawberry buttercream, using real berries. When the time came to take the cake out, the bottom stuck a little. I did grease the pan and put flour on it, but alas it wasn't enough. I finally go it out with little problems. I started frosting the cake with the buttercream(FYI all fondant covered cakes need buttercream first before you cover it with fondant). Now here is where the monumental cake disaster happened. The top layer started falling off the bottom layer and broke in half. It was unrepairable. I put all of the cake into a bowl and had little options. I couldn't just serve a bowl full of crumbs, right? So I called my mom and she suggested a trifle. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a trifle bowl and more strawberries and cream and whipped up something, that turned out looking ok, and tasted ok, but was still a little disappointing. Good thing fondant keeps for a little while.

So all in all my birthday was ok--good even--I just happened to be a little emotional starting with the cake. I had some good friends at dinner who ordered for me when I had a mini breakdown and couldn't decide what to get.

Strawberry Buttercream


Falling Cake


Crumbly Mess


Trifle From Top


Trifle From Side

Blind Dates and Relationship Blindness

Blind dates---everyone's favorite right? So over my dating life I have been on many of these so called dates. They aren't exactly my favorite, but hey they are something. For every 3 or so dates that one wants to set me up on, only about one actually ends up a real date. I figure I always say yes, what's the worst that can happen? A great story perhaps, or a mediocre date. No big deal, right? So recently I have had a lot of these offers... I don't really love them, but its something to help me think that I am doing something to try to get married instead of letting things happen to me. I feel like I have a more participatory role this way in my dating life.

Relationship blindness---how often are we blind to our feelings, thoughts about ourselves or about the one we are dating while dating them. We don't always see their true colors, or even our true feelings or true thoughts about them until it is too late or not at all...We are blind because of our chemical feelings, our hormones our emotional baggage or whatever. We all are prone to not seeing what is in front of us. We look past their little things that might be nothing, but in some cases may be something. I guess my fear with this post is that I have fallen into this before and don't care to repeat it. They say "Love is Blind" that may be good in someways, but you don't want to end up with some guy who is not worth your time. I don't mind the blind dates, ok so I don't love them, but its only a night, but relationship blindness can last for a long time.

In case you are wondering...Yes I do have a blind date on Saturday. (wish me luck!)

Since When Do I Crave Tuna?

Never is the answer...until tonight. I don't even really like tuna. I keep buying it when its on sale thinking that I will eat it. It never happens and I end up giving it to a food drive at school or somewhere else. What does that mean? I am sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere, or at least a simile. :) I wasn't too hungry, hence I didn't eat dinner, but I was getting a little hungry and as I walked by the pantry a sudden craving hit-TUNA. So what can you do but eat a can of tuna?

So back to my changes--ok so still a little scared of 30. I am preparing for the new common core and honestly the new ward doesn't seem that bad. Yes there have been some uncomfortable moments, but ultimately those moments have come as a realization that I am glad I am not married to the "jack" that is my former fiance. That's not entirely true. I have been glad for basically the whole time we have been broken up, what I would like to add is that I realized that he really truly is a "jack." And not just to me and everyone else loved him--meaning something was wrong with me, but to other people too. So I guess I realized it really wasn't me. I know, a long time coming. But in someways its hard not to. When someone breaks up with you three weeks before your wedding date(better than the day of, I know) but does it over the phone and then refuses to see you ever again, the insecurities inside kick in and you feel horrible about yourself. So this is a good thing that I truly see what was going on. Who tells their friend they are unsure about their engagement, but not actually to their fiance?...oh I know my former fiance...

Back to the metaphor or simile because I am using as: So maybe something positive will happen in my future with change. My feelings will change. Just as my feelings and understanding about tuna is changing so are my feelings toward myself, relationships etc will change and for the better! Maybe tuna is ok afterall. :)

Arranged Marriage

I just watched this movie called Arranged about a Muslim girl and an Orthodox Jew who become friends and are both facing arranged marriages. It was interesting. Perhaps the movie was a little on the stereotypical side with cultures, but truth is--isn't that what movies are showing a stereotype or archetypes of characters. And not just movies--all stories. It reminded me of a book I read called For Matrimonial Purposes. It was about an Indian girl who had to have an arranged marriage, but nothing seemed to work out so she moved to the US, furthered her education and still was somewhere in between her culture and what the "modern independent woman" should be. So what these women in these stories had in common was that they were committed to their culture, and their faith. They were unwilling to yield to having a relationship with someone out of their culture. In Arranged, the girls ended up finding someone and it worked in their youth. In the book she was much older and as the years went by her prospects got smaller and smaller. But yes in the end it all worked out--even though she was an "old maid" in her 30s.(Never realized how frightening or hurtful that game is as a child btw).

Arranged marriage does seem so much easier than the dating world I seem to be in, but at the same time their prospects are just the ones their parents, or match makers can find. Pros for arranged marriage- you get set up and you have people actively looking to marry you off, you have less options so you have to make a choice or a choice made for you(can also be a con) and you already have everything out in the open as far as past and future prospects etc. Cons- you can end up not having a choice and being forced into an unwanted marriage.

So now onto my Mormon Dating-Pros- we have choice(in some cases too many choices--but as you get older those choices are fewer and far between), we can be active in looking for ourselves and not just rely on others to arrange meeting people and introducing us. Cons--choices seem to fade as we get older.


What impresses me with people who go through these arranged marriages are that they are committed to their marriage for the long haul. Even in the LDS cultures it seems like Divorce is still a too easy choice if things don't go quite as you would like. So perhaps they did not "fall in love" in the same way we see it in the movies, or hear from our friends and such but they learn to love each other. It reminds me of the scene in Fiddler on the Roof where Tevya is asking Golde if she loves him. After 25 years she realizes that she does. There are so many ways to love one another that it seems to me that as we go through different circumstances in our lives-our love will change with those changes. Just because it changes doesn't mean that divorce is the option or should be. Commitment should still be essential. Our love should be lasting like Tevya and Golde--perhaps we should realize that we love each other throughout--but it should be lasting with commitment. Fidelity to a person is a choice not a feeling.

After reading For Matrimonial Purposes years ago it did give me hope. This girl seemingly has no options, but it worked out, not on her timetable, but it all worked out for the best--with someone who was suited for her. So waiting isn't such a bad thing. My timetable isn't what matters, right? I should have faith that it will all work out.