Resolved...or not Resolved that is the Question...

I thought I was resolved about my thoughts....I don't know if I am.

My feelings haven't really changed, but is it really feasible? How can I be certain about what to do? What things do I need to do?

I am however resolved to be stronger than I am today.  I am determined to be a better teacher and work hard to accomplish that.

I am not going to give up on my dating life.  I am going to keep trucking through all the muck to find someone wonderful!

**Good news I talked to a nice guy yesterday.  I am hoping for good things.  Even if it is a good conversation...I am excited to talk to this guy again.  I enjoyed our first conversation and hope to have another.

**Not so good news, I have had several jerky men who just want physical stuff.  At least the one today asked to make out.  I guess that is better than asking if I am kinky or how Mormon am I?

Longing...

I am longing to talk to him.  Yes that is the word, longing.  I am frustrated that that isn't an option for me right now.  I am also frustrated that there is no good options on my other end of dating.  Dating apps and sites are lame.  There are no good options.  I have chatted a little bit with a few different men, but nothing I care about.  So here I am longing...

non jerk

Yes I am aware that I may be making some poor choices and have made some poor choices in my life.  I will say it really bothers me that certain people in my life are referring to the man I dated as a jerk.  He isn't a jerk. Granted he is not ready...but that doesn't mean he is a jerk.  I actually think he is a kind man who isn't ready for a relationship...maybe never will be.  If the opportunity presented itself, I would date him again just to see.  Our issues were communication.  That is something you can fix.  You can't fix a respect issue.  He was hurt still and had some bad habits from his former marriage.  I have issues too from being perpetually single.  I am not saying it will work out.  It more than likely will not.  I also will say that online dating is kind of the worst.  All these guys are just at best bleh, or at worst pretty yucky.  I am not really interested in any of them.  Is this what my life is going to be like--endless swipes left or right to find nothing special at the end of the rainbow.  No thank you! Overall I hate when people refer to him as a jerk. It isn't ok.  Maybe situations were not great...but it was never intentional. There are a lot more jerky men out there...and I have met my fair share of them.

Confused...

I am confused...I don't know what I want.  I will tell you what I don't want though.  I don't want to be jerked around by anyone.  If you like me, great!  If not, great!  I don't like this wishy-washy business.

If you are afraid of hurting my feelings--just hurt my feelings.  If you don't want to talk to me, don't.  If you don't like me-fine! Don't go back and forth acting like you like me and then pulling away.  JUST BE HONEST! Ya, honestly may hurt...but it hurts less than dishonesty. I feel jerked around by multiple people right now.  I feel jerked around at school, in my online dating life, in friendships...everything.  I just want honestly.

I am aware that I am not perfect.  I have some habits that can make others feel uncomfortable.  So does everyone else.  I deserve people being honest with me at the very least.

Overall, because I am confused because of lack of communication, I don't know which way to go.

Cross Dressing Yikes

Yes, today I got a message from a guy online who was literally a cross dresser.  Yes he confessed everything...and said he really likes that and wants to be with someone who loves him for who he is.  As much as I would love to be understanding...I know I could not be with someone like that.  I am sure he is nice and good in many ways...but the answer is no!!  I need to be the feminine one in the relationship, not one of the feminine ones.  I don't even wear heels that often...a man can't wear them more than I do. THE END