I have recently gone online---again. Yes, I hate it, but do I have a choice? I decided upon eharmony this time. Last weekend I went on 2 dates. It was great having 2 dates so close together. One of the gentlemen was one I can see myself going on more dates with. Before the date I was excited, yet fairly calm about the date. We went to dinner and we talked. It was such a great first date. We smiled and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. At the end of the date he suggested we do it again. I said absolutely or something similar and he asked what was the best way to contact me and I said what ever is easier for him. So there is some potential, yet I worry and I get scared.
The second date was with a guy in his later 40s. He is nice enough, but I am not interested. I kinda knew I wasn't going to be but I had to give it a chance right?
Marriage is something I see as a dichotomy in my life. I want it, yet I fear it. I have deep longing for it and know their can be joy, yet I am terrified that I could be hurt far worse than I already have. I had a friend tell me yesterday that her husband is leaving her. They have been married for over two decades. A few weeks ago another friend told me about her upcoming divorce and the reasons why. Both make sense on some level, but what I think it really boils down to is that the husbands weren't really willing to try to make things work. It takes repentance and forgiveness and staying away from things that don't bring you closer to God and your spouse. I believe we can be happy with many people and we do not have a soul mate. We need to love who we choose for ourselves and choose to love them even when things get tough. We need to not give up on ourselves and on our spouse. That being said in one of the marriages stated above, it was becoming more abusive and the husband was into some not good stuff and my friend will be in a better place removed from that. He could have made the choice to stay away from that crap and work hard to stay away, but he chose a path that brought him destruction.
Marriage is hard and scares me but I also see the joy it can bring and hope that someday I will be able to experience it. We cannot know the joy with out some sorrow.