Wednesday, January 18, 2017

AAAK

Some major changes have happened since I last posted in this blog.  In a moment of weakness, I looked the ex boyfriend up on fb.  I saw a girl who commented on his public post.  I looked her up and found her instagram and saw that both he and she are engaged.  YES I said engaged.  Now this is several days after I have found out.  I was very upset the first day or so and still don't feel awesome now, but have more calm in my heart.

These are the reasons this bothers me so greatly.

1. He always said I was going too fast for him. He either started dating her when we had our little break of dating and continued when we were dating, or he started dating her in November. Basically that means he was unwilling to meet my family in the same time he got engaged to her.
2. He had a hard time saying things like I care for you or love you to me.  He told me it was too hard because of everything he went though with his divorce.  He even said I love you and took it back.
3. Initial stages of dating suck!  I have been on several first dates and even a second date with one guy.  I like a few of them enough to continue talking to them and see where things go, but I can't say I am really into any of them.  They are also going through the same thing on the other end.  I am positive they are going on dates with several women.
4. I feel stupid I put up with the crap he pulled on me.  He ignored me when I expressed concern about my anxiety about relationships and even told him what would help.  I really just wanted good communication about thoughts and feelings.
5. I feel like he lied to me the entire time.  One example is how he said he wanted someone different than his ex wife.  Well according to my research, his fiance seems to be more similar to his ex than what he seemed to claim.
6. I don't feel like I was ever a priority to him.  He always put me last on his list.  I maybe was on the list, but always last.  From my investigations, he doesn't treat her that way.  That is a good thing for her, but he was a douche to me.


What I think right now is that I was convenient for him.  Maybe not in distance because we were 20 minutes or so away from one another.  I was convenient because I said nice things to him, I offered to help him in doing things.  I tried to be good to him.  Yes I probably was more bombastic than I should have been.  I just like being around the people I like being around.  I like being with people.  I know I wasn't perfect in things.  I was clingy(ie I just wanted to be with him, talk with him etc), I had anxiety about things(my emotional baggage), I don't always have life experience with dating.  I have had a bunch of early dates.  However, only 2 men have I had a serious relationship with.

I should listen to my gut.  I wrote a few notes in my phone at various times in this relationship just to get feelings out when I was out and about.  Both indicate how I was feeling stress and anxiety about things.  I put up with some things because I knew he was hurting.  I still don't think he realized how his actions played into my anxiety.  For other women it probably isn't as big of deal with communication.  They like doing their own thing and let their husband do theirs.  I just want to spend as much time as possible with my husband.  I want to be able to talk about deep stuff, and heavy things. I want to go to the grocery store, or just sit next to each other watching TV.  Marriage isn't just about the exciting things, but about the day to day experiences. That is living the dream my friends.

I asked my brother Stephen for a blessing.  I don't remember everything but here are a few things I remember:

Heavenly Father and Mother love me and want me to not give up They want me to be happy and that marriage and children will come, but it will be hard.  Don't give up!

In addition to those kind words, Midnight the cat gave me cat lovies. He loves me too!

I also got a text in the middle of the day from one of the gentlemen I am talking to and have been on a date with.  It was serendipitous and a tender mercy.

This all happened on Thursday.

On Saturday I felt the presence of my former roommate Amanda.  She passed away about 11 years ago from leukemia.  Once when we were roommates, we cried over stupid boys we had crushes on that didn't like us back the same way even though they flirted with us.  It was kinda immature and dumb.  I think because of that connection, I was able to feel her comforting me.

People at school have been very supportive.  The teachers, copy ladies, office etc have been wonderful.  They tell me things that I know to be true, but it still hurts.  They say things like you are better off with out someone like that.  My principal even said when I had a conversation with him that that wasn't right.  Validation is helpful.

My relief society president and the elder's quorum president and his wife were also helpful on Monday.  They said similar things to the people at school.  My relief society president even suggested that because of his experience with me, I was able to help him move on from his exwife and be able to now find his fiance.  She said Heavenly Father knew that this was part of my role to help him because I could handle the pain.  He loves him too.

Friends I have had for years and siblings have been helpful and comforting.  They are supportive even if they don't want to hear the same things over and over again.  They are wonderful.

My favorite validation was from Facebook though.  I blocked him, not for him, but for me.  Facebook told me "I am sorry you had to go through this experience."

All in all I am grateful for all the support I have had from friends, family, coworkers etc.  They are amazing!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Unkindness, Less Confusion, Frustration etc...

I have a weakness, a major weakness.  When I feel hurt, or frustrated, I snap at people.  These are people I care about.  I say unkind things that are partially true, but are unkind.  It isn't all the way true, but has at least a minimal amount of truth.  I did this last night.  I was unkind to someone.  The same person I have been confused about for months.  He maybe didn't deserve it, but he also maybe wasn't that great to me either.  He had been ignoring me for a while.  I asked him a question and it ended up he wants me 100% out of his life.  Yes that is ok.  Yes that is probably a good thing, but the way it came out upset me, especially since I had a horrible day.  I snapped at him and said something very unkind.  He told me that when conversations like this happen, the real me comes out.  That kind of implies that I am rude, nasty etc...Yes I have my moments, but at my heart, I don't feel like I am rude, nasty etc.  I have moments of great unkindness.  I am frustrated.  I am frustrated at myself.  I am frustrated at the situation.  I am frustrated.  I am less confused because there is a clear line.  Fine.  That is FINE. He is a good person.  He isn't perfect and he was hurtful with or without realizing it.  I am a good person.   I am hurtful sometimes and I do know it.

I need to work on some of my weaknesses.  Well its time to start!


Sunday, December 4, 2016

Still Confused...but will be ok

I am still confused.  We started dating some again...not really intensely, but we did see each other. I do believe he cares about me, but decided he needed time not with me.  We still talk some, but nothing exciting.  I know he dates other girls...I have also been out with people and talk online with others.  I am not that into it.  I hate this part of dating.  The part where you don't really know each other and are trying to make sense of things.

As far as the former boyfriend...I still care for him.  I suspect I always will.  I could renew things with him perhaps someday. I do think there would need to be a complete commitment.

I don't know if I should just drop the idea or not.  When I pray about it, I get the feeling that everything will be ok. that is about all I get.  I see the validity of dropping it.  I see the good reason to try to keep things up.  I don't know.  I know there were issues...but don't all relationships have problems?  Would I be able to find something better or just something with a different set of challenges?

I don't know.  I am trying to walk by faith...right now I am trying to err on the side of just dropping it all, but I am not successful at it.  I will keep trying.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Confused As Ever...

I don't know where I am heading and I am pretty much fed up with meaningless chatter on online dating sites.  It is slowly killing me!! Yes, I have been on dates and yes it was ok, but I don't want to go on an endless stream of first dates.  Should I continue with this trying to be proactive business?  Should I try to reconnect with the past?  I don't know.  What is it that is best for me.  Nothing is perfect, NOTHING.  Can I live with somethings? Yes, I can...but should I have to?

On the not so fun front a guy from church, whose wife died about a year ago, was hitting on me.  He is socially awkward and not someone I would ever be interested in.  He called me up last night to ask me a question about church.  I responded in a text because I didn't want to talk to him.  He asked me a follow up question.  I responded.  He then asked if he could call or text sometime...guess what I said?  I said that he should only if it was about church.  I have literally no interest in him.  Like I have heard before every pot has a lid.  He found the lid to his pot with his wife.  I am so very sorry his wife died.  They fit together.  I know he is lonely.  I often can be lonely too.  Lonely doesn't mean you should be together.  Loving someone also doesn't mean it is a good fit.

What do I want?  I want a healthy and happy relationship.  That doesn't mean I think it will be easy, or with out work.  I do think that there will be fights, disagreements and hurt feelings, but overall I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I don't want to be alone.  How can I achieve this goal?  I don't know.  Going on first dates from online doesn't seem to be producing the outcome I want.  That doesn't mean that it won't...eventually.  Do I have that patience?  I don't know.  Do I have the patience to let someone figure out if he wants to date me or not.  I don't know?  I just don't know.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

General Conference

I am definitely not a perfect person...not by any means.  I try to be good, but sometimes lack self control.  I make poor decisions with my agency.  I sometimes continually make the same mistakes...It's difficult.  I have a propensity for certain kinds of sin, some bigger, some smaller.  I have a renewed desire to be better.  I need to put off the natural man, turn my life towards Christ and find JOY in Him.  I can be better.  It will take some time.  It won't happen in the next minute, but I can better.  I need not worry about the past except that I can give up my sins and come unto Christ. I can be better, a lot better.  For those around me...please help me in this quest.  I need your help.  I know I can also get help from God.  He gives help to those who ask and have FAITH he will provide.  He can and will help me to be better.  Conference can help you remember these things. Overall, I thought this was a conference of hope.  I don't always think this.  Sometimes I feel like it is more of hellfire and damnation. I am glad to feel the hope of forgiveness and hope.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Resolved...or not Resolved that is the Question...

I thought I was resolved about my thoughts....I don't know if I am.

My feelings haven't really changed, but is it really feasible? How can I be certain about what to do? What things do I need to do?

I am however resolved to be stronger than I am today.  I am determined to be a better teacher and work hard to accomplish that.

I am not going to give up on my dating life.  I am going to keep trucking through all the muck to find someone wonderful!

**Good news I talked to a nice guy yesterday.  I am hoping for good things.  Even if it is a good conversation...I am excited to talk to this guy again.  I enjoyed our first conversation and hope to have another.

**Not so good news, I have had several jerky men who just want physical stuff.  At least the one today asked to make out.  I guess that is better than asking if I am kinky or how Mormon am I?

Monday, September 19, 2016

Longing...

I am longing to talk to him.  Yes that is the word, longing.  I am frustrated that that isn't an option for me right now.  I am also frustrated that there is no good options on my other end of dating.  Dating apps and sites are lame.  There are no good options.  I have chatted a little bit with a few different men, but nothing I care about.  So here I am longing...