Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Confused As Ever...

I don't know where I am heading and I am pretty much fed up with meaningless chatter on online dating sites.  It is slowly killing me!! Yes, I have been on dates and yes it was ok, but I don't want to go on an endless stream of first dates.  Should I continue with this trying to be proactive business?  Should I try to reconnect with the past?  I don't know.  What is it that is best for me.  Nothing is perfect, NOTHING.  Can I live with somethings? Yes, I can...but should I have to?

On the not so fun front a guy from church, whose wife died about a year ago, was hitting on me.  He is socially awkward and not someone I would ever be interested in.  He called me up last night to ask me a question about church.  I responded in a text because I didn't want to talk to him.  He asked me a follow up question.  I responded.  He then asked if he could call or text sometime...guess what I said?  I said that he should only if it was about church.  I have literally no interest in him.  Like I have heard before every pot has a lid.  He found the lid to his pot with his wife.  I am so very sorry his wife died.  They fit together.  I know he is lonely.  I often can be lonely too.  Lonely doesn't mean you should be together.  Loving someone also doesn't mean it is a good fit.

What do I want?  I want a healthy and happy relationship.  That doesn't mean I think it will be easy, or with out work.  I do think that there will be fights, disagreements and hurt feelings, but overall I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I don't want to be alone.  How can I achieve this goal?  I don't know.  Going on first dates from online doesn't seem to be producing the outcome I want.  That doesn't mean that it won't...eventually.  Do I have that patience?  I don't know.  Do I have the patience to let someone figure out if he wants to date me or not.  I don't know?  I just don't know.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

General Conference

I am definitely not a perfect person...not by any means.  I try to be good, but sometimes lack self control.  I make poor decisions with my agency.  I sometimes continually make the same mistakes...It's difficult.  I have a propensity for certain kinds of sin, some bigger, some smaller.  I have a renewed desire to be better.  I need to put off the natural man, turn my life towards Christ and find JOY in Him.  I can be better.  It will take some time.  It won't happen in the next minute, but I can better.  I need not worry about the past except that I can give up my sins and come unto Christ. I can be better, a lot better.  For those around me...please help me in this quest.  I need your help.  I know I can also get help from God.  He gives help to those who ask and have FAITH he will provide.  He can and will help me to be better.  Conference can help you remember these things. Overall, I thought this was a conference of hope.  I don't always think this.  Sometimes I feel like it is more of hellfire and damnation. I am glad to feel the hope of forgiveness and hope.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Resolved...or not Resolved that is the Question...

I thought I was resolved about my thoughts....I don't know if I am.

My feelings haven't really changed, but is it really feasible? How can I be certain about what to do? What things do I need to do?

I am however resolved to be stronger than I am today.  I am determined to be a better teacher and work hard to accomplish that.

I am not going to give up on my dating life.  I am going to keep trucking through all the muck to find someone wonderful!

**Good news I talked to a nice guy yesterday.  I am hoping for good things.  Even if it is a good conversation...I am excited to talk to this guy again.  I enjoyed our first conversation and hope to have another.

**Not so good news, I have had several jerky men who just want physical stuff.  At least the one today asked to make out.  I guess that is better than asking if I am kinky or how Mormon am I?

Monday, September 19, 2016


I am longing to talk to him.  Yes that is the word, longing.  I am frustrated that that isn't an option for me right now.  I am also frustrated that there is no good options on my other end of dating.  Dating apps and sites are lame.  There are no good options.  I have chatted a little bit with a few different men, but nothing I care about.  So here I am longing...

Monday, September 12, 2016

non jerk

Yes I am aware that I may be making some poor choices and have made some poor choices in my life.  I will say it really bothers me that certain people in my life are referring to the man I dated as a jerk.  He isn't a jerk. Granted he is not ready...but that doesn't mean he is a jerk.  I actually think he is a kind man who isn't ready for a relationship...maybe never will be.  If the opportunity presented itself, I would date him again just to see.  Our issues were communication.  That is something you can fix.  You can't fix a respect issue.  He was hurt still and had some bad habits from his former marriage.  I have issues too from being perpetually single.  I am not saying it will work out.  It more than likely will not.  I also will say that online dating is kind of the worst.  All these guys are just at best bleh, or at worst pretty yucky.  I am not really interested in any of them.  Is this what my life is going to be like--endless swipes left or right to find nothing special at the end of the rainbow.  No thank you! Overall I hate when people refer to him as a jerk. It isn't ok.  Maybe situations were not great...but it was never intentional. There are a lot more jerky men out there...and I have met my fair share of them.

Sunday, September 11, 2016


I am confused...I don't know what I want.  I will tell you what I don't want though.  I don't want to be jerked around by anyone.  If you like me, great!  If not, great!  I don't like this wishy-washy business.

If you are afraid of hurting my feelings--just hurt my feelings.  If you don't want to talk to me, don't.  If you don't like me-fine! Don't go back and forth acting like you like me and then pulling away.  JUST BE HONEST! Ya, honestly may hurt...but it hurts less than dishonesty. I feel jerked around by multiple people right now.  I feel jerked around at school, in my online dating life, in friendships...everything.  I just want honestly.

I am aware that I am not perfect.  I have some habits that can make others feel uncomfortable.  So does everyone else.  I deserve people being honest with me at the very least.

Overall, because I am confused because of lack of communication, I don't know which way to go.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Cross Dressing Yikes

Yes, today I got a message from a guy online who was literally a cross dresser.  Yes he confessed everything...and said he really likes that and wants to be with someone who loves him for who he is.  As much as I would love to be understanding...I know I could not be with someone like that.  I am sure he is nice and good in many ways...but the answer is no!!  I need to be the feminine one in the relationship, not one of the feminine ones.  I don't even wear heels that often...a man can't wear them more than I do. THE END