Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Winners Take It All

Wow that was amazing--possibly the most amazing play I have ever seen in my football watching career. RISE AND SHOUT THE COUGARS ARE OUT!

I am very excited for this season and hope for the best.  We already have a major injury with Taysom Hill and there were some suspensions and things prior to going into this game against Nebraska.  We pulled through.

BYU often does well the first half of the game and struggles the second.  This is how I see my life thus far.  I succeeded in many things the first half and now there are struggles.  It may feel like I need to throw that Hail Mary.  There is a chance to succeed! There is hope, even with only 1 second left on the clock.  There will also be more games.  Even if this one doesn't work in my favor--there are more games.

After the game I walked with a friend.  She is struggling right now with a transition in her life and is feeling down.  All I wanted to talk about was how amazing the game was and all she wanted was for someone to listen and empathize with her.  I was frustrated because she didn't share my excitement and she was frustrated because I maybe heard what she said--but didn't really listen.  There will be times in life where we must share in the joy that someone is feeling even when we are feeling down and reversely we must truly listen and try to understand someone even when we are on a high note.  I left the walk feeling frustrated as I am sure she did too.  She told me she didn't care about BYU or Football which is fine--but honestly this is the best play I think I have ever seen made by my team.  I felt a little offended that she didn't want to share in my happiness.  She basically tried to put me in my place for talking too much about an important event of my day to emphasize that her life was more important. (or so it appeared)  Yes I know real life is more important than football, but leisure activities are important to relieve stress and bolster good feelings.  That is what I had--but now I feel a little dashed because I feel deeply about everything--excitement, sadness, pain etc... She felt offended that I seemed not to care about her or her feeling down.  I really do care about her and what she is going through.  What she didn't know is that I often feel upset or down...just read this blog.  I know I only write when I have strong emotions and often those are the negative ones as they tend to be stronger.  I am going through similar hardships at a different stage. She is frustrated with feeling like most of her friends don't care anymore--I feel the same way.  So many of my friends have moved on with their life.  There is a time and season for everything and everyone. She is frustrated with being single in a family oriented church--me too!  She is frustrated with our little branch where most people are much younger and just married.  Its hard to make friends.  I understand.  I don't understand what it is like to have lost my parents--but I do understand loss.  I understand because I feel it too.  I had a blip of excitement from the game--and I feel like it is now dashed because I wasn't being the friend I needed to be.  I am also frustrated because I should be able to be excited--Often enough on our walks she goes on and on about her feelings good and bad--I know I do too--but what is so bad about being excited about a sporting event?  NOTHING!  We are into different things and that is ok.  So the major lesson learned is that it is ok to be excited--but we must also listen to others.  It is also ok to be down and listen to other's excitement.  I know I feel bad about my actions--but she probably doesn't even realize that she kind of hurt my feelings too. Time to buck up! I honestly didn't need the negativity today--I wish I could handle someone else's negativity and my own too--but I can't always. I now mostly feel guilty because I wasn't good enough of a friend.  I need to realize I did my best and that is all I need to be.

So the Winner Takes It All--  Sometimes we can feel sad as winners and losers and feel sad and that's ok.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Sleeping and Waking

Should I be sleeping...of course but alas I am awake and truly upset.  Facebook lovingly provides you with your memories of what happened on this day in the past...For months now I have been reliving a nightmare by looking at them.  I am intrigued daily by what is on them.  Some days are amazing, whereas others or sad.  It has happened--the day that my heart was broken was relived through these memories.  Interestingly enough years later my brother was married and it was joyful.  I feel full of emotions---not just over the reliving of memories, but of how awful online dating is.  Everything is at best uncomfortable and more often for me tends to be questions or comments that are inappropriate for someone you have never met and of a rather intimate nature.  No! is all I have to say to men on the internet.  Your comments are not warranted, nor are they wanted.  You should never email someone these kinds of questions without meeting them, and even then...probably not appropriate.

It is now 1:12 in the morning as I type.  My heart is no longer broken as it once was--there is a great big beautiful tomorrow.  The long sleep of being alone will be done soon--waking will come soon.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Groundhog Day, Sickness, and Tasting

February has brought me sickness, coughing, yucky, achy sickness.  I have stayed home most of the week.  I had a substitute Monday, and Tuesday.  I went to the doctor on Monday and I do not have the flu, but I do have some sort of respiratory yuckyness. Just like the groundhog, I made an appearance at school on Wednesday.  I saw my shadow and have decided to hibernate the rest of the week. I broke down at lunch and cried.  I made it through the day, but just barely.  I planned for a sub for Thursday--today and also tomorrow Friday.  I feel a million times better today, but not perfect.  I am staying home as I have already made plans for my sub and I don't want to make the same mistake of going back too soon.

Once you have a taste for something, you crave it.  I went on my second date with that Gentleman last Saturday.  He is really nice.  Yes, our conversations were on the fluffy side but I had a good time.  He is incredibly hard to read.  He is also a poor texter.  He asked me out via text on Wednesday and started the conversation by saying "good evening." Sure, it was polite, but what am I supposed to do with that?  It is really hard to have conversations like that.  At the end of our date he said lets keep in touch, but no hug so I am at a loss for what to expect or even hope for.  I texted him the next day to ask what he thought of the superbowl.  He responded and said they started later.  I texted and said that the last quarter was crazy...and silence. I get that he is a poor texter and over 30 and single, so there are issues on his end as well as all of my own. I just don't know.  I don't want to read into things that are not there for good or ill.  I don't want to make excuses if he isn't that into me, or I don't want to make excuses when maybe he could like me.  So now that I have been on two dates with the same person...I crave dating.  I had been on a dating fast, not intentionally per se, but on one none the less. The last date I had been on prior to this was the date I was on last summer, and before that was basically over a year before. I do have a taste for dating, or really rather spending time with someone and getting to know them.  I honestly hate dating...but mostly the part where I don't know what is going on.  If one knows that a person is interested, it is easier. 

Do you know what I hate most of all? That I compare every---EVERY---relationship to what I had with my ex fiance.  We had an easy time starting to date and it was pretty easy most of the time...granted he didn't communicate with me and tell me his feelings openly leading to a huge breakup three weeks before a wedding date.  I want things to be more known to me at the beginning, but then I think what if that was the problem.  I second guess myself in everything I do.  I know it was years ago--but it has affected me deeply by judging myself and every other man I will ever date.  To them, I apologize.  To myself, I apologize as well.  Just be be clear, I know I wasn't perfect in that relationship.  I did things I made it a place where he didn't feel like he could talk to me and probably made him feel not as manly has he needed to feel among other things.  Every relationship is more than one person's fault.  Truth is I blame myself.  Yes, I am grateful I am not married to him, but I carry the blame and have for years and like I said, it makes me second guess myself and dating.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Dates and Marriage

I have recently gone online---again.  Yes, I hate it, but do I have a choice?  I decided upon eharmony this time.  Last weekend I went on 2 dates.  It was great having 2 dates so close together. One of the gentlemen was one I can see myself going on more dates with.  Before the date I was excited, yet fairly calm about the date.  We went to dinner and we talked. It was such a great first date.  We smiled and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.  At the end of the date he suggested we do it again. I said absolutely or something similar and he asked what was the best way to contact me and I said what ever is easier for him.  So there is some potential, yet I worry and I get scared.

The second date was with a guy in his later 40s.  He is nice enough, but I am not interested.  I kinda knew I wasn't going to be but I had to give it a chance right? 

Marriage is something I see as a dichotomy in my life.  I want it, yet I fear it.  I have deep longing for it and know their can be joy, yet I am terrified that I could be hurt far worse than I already have. I had a friend tell me yesterday that her husband is leaving her.  They have been married for over two decades.  A few weeks ago another friend told me about her upcoming divorce and the reasons why.  Both make sense on some level, but what I think it really boils down to is that the husbands weren't really willing to try to make things work.  It takes repentance and forgiveness and staying away from things that don't bring you closer to God and your spouse.  I believe we can be happy with many people and we do not have a soul mate.  We need to love who we choose for ourselves and choose to love them even when things get tough. We need to not give up on ourselves and on our spouse.  That being said in one of the marriages stated above, it was becoming more abusive and the husband was into some not good stuff and my friend will be in a better place removed from that.  He could have made the choice to stay away from that crap and work hard to stay away, but he chose a path that brought him destruction.

Marriage is hard and scares me but I also see the joy it can bring and hope that someday I will be able to experience it.  We cannot know the joy with out some sorrow.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Next Year in Jerusalem

During a Jewish Seder during the Passover celebration they say "next year in Jerusalem." During the diaspora the Jewish people were spread across the globe and want to go to the holy city Jerusalem. They say this year after year even when 

I find myself in a place where this phrase has come to mind.  Literally I would love to go back to Jerusalem.  There will always be a place in my heart that is fond of Jerusalem and its people--all people.  This post is not about the violence that has happened recently though I will say that I am propeace.  I am pro Palestinian, and pro Israeli.  I am not for violence.  There are people on both sides that have made poor choices that have endangered the lives of many and will continue to hurt and kill others because of their selfishness.  The land is valuable--both sides want it--find a way to live in peace respecting each other.  I think that the people who are causing the most hurt are only looking at what their side can gain and not about people and humanity. Enough said...

Figuratively this phrase of "next year in Jerusalem" is bringing me comfort.  Jerusalem is the Holy City the "Oz at the end of the Yellow Brick Road."  It represents to me what I so desperately want.  I want to be a wife and a mother.  I think I would be a good one--though I don't think I am a great dater. "Next year in Jerusalem" is a phrase that elicits hope even though things are not what we want right now.  Our situation may be hard, but we always can say "next year in Jerusalem."  That dream can show us God's love for us.  We can have faith in His plan for us individually and collectively. 

In Relief Society today we had the dreaded "Eternal Marriage" lesson.  You know, the lesson where you want to avoid it and just miss Relief Society that day?  It actually was the best lesson I have been in in years.  The sister giving the lesson is single.  That was a huge factor in why it was an excellent lesson. Often people giving the lesson don't know how to address the single sisters in the ward.  It doesn't matter if they have never been married, widowed or divorced they don't know what to say.  She knew what to day.  She addressed my needs as well as those who are married.  We talked about how God's plan will provide for us.  God will not leave us and say "sorry you don't get a Celestial Life but these people over here do."  God is not like that. She expressed that in the premortal life we knew what struggles we were going to face, but we chose to come to earth anyway.  We knew we were going to be single a lot longer than what we would like, but we chose this anyway because we had faith in God's plan.  We can still have faith in God's plan.  One of the sisters in the ward expressed that she was unable to have children without adoption.  She knows it isn't the same, but similar in many ways--and it is.  She said just because you have faith, doesn't mean it is going to be painless.  It is supposed to something that you want.  The pain shows us that this really is the right thing for us to want and desire.  The sister giving the lesson then went on to those who are married.  She talked about how we all need to work on celestial marriages.  None of us have them now and we all have to work on them.  She gave us a list of things to do that can help us all return to our Father in Heaven and have a celestial marriage. 

Though it is hard and painful in many ways--I do have faith in God's plan.  I struggle often with having a perfect brightness of hope and faith the size of a mustard seed, but I am trying.  So next year in Jerusalem.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Unintended Consequences

I have thought a lot about my place in the church lately.  Ultimately I have decided that it is ok for me to be who I am and still a believer.  It is ok to look at things critically and still believe.  Not everything has to be literal and I don't know the whole truth yet.  The church has made mistakes in the past but am I a better person because of the church---YES!  I listened to part of Radio West today on NPR. I only caught the tail end but the guest talked about the recent essay from the church regarding the book of Abraham.  The part that I heard that I really liked is an example from the Jewish Faith.  We can look at things critically and still be believers.  We can have many interpretations and still believe.  We can still be one church but have different views.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I have been quite open with my beliefs about Kate Kelly and her excommunication on facebook.  Many people disagree with me including many of my friends.  I don't think they really understand where I am coming from.  I do not necessarily believe that everything Kate Kelly did was wrong, but not everything she did was right.  There is inequality in the church.  It is ok to ask questions and have open discussions about things.  I don't want to be a cookie cutter Mormon.  I don't want to be a blind follower.  It is also not ok to put other people down.  I feel like there has been way too much of that going on on facebook against everyone.  People are either coming across as apostate or self righteous to the people on the opposing view point.  What I have repeated in my posts is that this is something that we can use to help us become more loving and a stronger people together yet people have been mean. 

What are the unintended consequences?  I don't know but just because you didn't mean to do something doesn't mean there aren't consequences or that you are not responsible for them.  At school sometimes kids trip each other on accident.  Some of these kids refuse to apologize because it was an accident.  Just because it wasn't on purpose doesn't mean that it didn't hurt.  These events do hurt.  We do have inequality in the church that does need to be fixed.  I don't even mean that women should receive the priesthood because that is irrelevant to me.  I mean things like how women and men are treated and budgeting and callings etc. 

Now since most of my posts tie back to my dating or pseudo dating life here is the connection.  I recently posted about my blind date where I really appreciated my conversation with him.  I had a friend ask me about the date today.  I shrugged it off because I knew he wouldn't call me and that is ok.  I told her briefly that we had a great conversation and that I was very open about things and she jumped to were you scared by his political beliefs?  The answer is no--because most people don't.  I think far right or far left on the political spectrum would be the only places that would scare me.  I do believe that Moderate is the best place to be.  In the world that is where I lie. In Mormon culture in the United States and especially in Utah that makes me a liberal.  I did say that I do think he maybe was scared by what I did say.  If he truly was--that is a shame.  Ultimately all the points I was trying to make were for equality and love of each other.  Honestly that question stung.  As I age I honestly have become more and more concerned about getting married(I know that is blatantly obvious on my blog).  This is not only because of my age and lacking opportunities to meet men, it is also because i fear I am too liberal for a Mormon boy.  I don't want a cookie cutter Mormon and he wouldn't want me.  I am a believer but I ask questions.  I am not going to be a door mat for a  man.  I will not be less than him--but I don't want to be above him either.  Is there a man out there that shares similar beliefs?  I know many men I met in college were very much the guy that wanted their wife to be less than him because he held the priesthood.  I refuse to be that way. What are the unintended consequences in my own life?  How will this affect me?

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dodged a Bullet

I have returned to the family branch.  I will admit it isn't my favorite, but the Branch President is nice and so are many in the branch who knew me from before.  It is amazing...people talk to me.  That was not so much the case going to the GINORMOUS ward.  Ok so I know it isn't really a ward, but really a branch as well, just an 800+ people branch.  As I was leaving today I walked by the chapel.  I looked inside because I am glutton for punishment.  My former fiance attends that ward.  Seriously did he not realize that I could still live where I do and we would be in the same stake and attend church in the same building?  I guess not!  That was one of the reasons I went to the Mid-singles ward in the first place.  I honestly didn't want to run into him week after week.  So as I glanced inside the chapel he was there.  He was holding a small baby.  At this point I have a few thoughts running through my head:

1.  Why do I even care?  Why am I doing this to myself?
2.  I am proud of myself for not really freaking out.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes.
3.  I am happy for him.
4.  I am a little jealous because I want to be married and have children.
5.  I am so glad he didn't see me.
6.  What was that comment from the branch president about?  Would he really not call to primary?  Hmm who knows?  Do I really want to be called to primary? (Ok this one is simple--I just want a calling that helps me feel needed and helps me want to come to church)

Later on today I facebook stalked him--yes I am that person.  He posted something in June about wanting a job and asked fb for suggestions of how to find one.  He said he wanted to have a job in film or in guitar.  He has a bachelors in film form UVU and said he has played the guitar for years.  First of all I don't really know about the guitar.  He never played it for me and when I asked he would always try to push it off and say later.  Does he really know how to play?  And film is great and wonderful, my brother and sister-in-law do it, but they have master's degrees and live in L.A. and have a hard enough time making ends meet and finding jobs that are really sustainable.

I then looked up his wife.  There were no pics of the baby or should I say babies on facebook.  She had twins.  Great wonderful...but that made me a little upset because I have always wanted twins.  As I have posted before on this blog I have had dreams of multiple births.  It almost felt like they are living the life I was supposed to have...before I snapped back into reality.  I don't want him.  I don't want a guy who is just a dreamer and will have a hard time for years and most of his life finding a decent job.  Yes I want someone to have aspirations--but I also want a steady pay check.  I value consistency.  Sad to say it but I felt smarter than him. I never really liked it. I was willing to deal with it at the time, but that isn't what is best for me or what I want now.  I think he just wanted some little wife that was subservient to him as the man and head of the household.  I am not that woman.  If anything has come out of this Kate Kelly excommunication in my life it is that I will not play second fiddle to a man.  Some women seem to be ok with that in the church letting all decisions go to their husband.  (Let it be said here--for me Ordain Women isn't just about women getting the priesthood. It is about showing women they have a place in the gospel and it is equal to men.  I could also go either way on the priesthood for women. I don't feel less because I don't have it--but there are certainly inequalities in the organization of the church and in Mormon culture that I am not ok with.)  I don't want to be more than a man, or less than a man.  I want to be equal to him.  I don't want to have to rely on him to get into heaven or not to get into heaven.  I am still an individual even if I were married.  His choices are his own and my choices are mine.  We can make some together and help each other.  I want us to be help meets to each other.  I want us to use our strengths to make a great marriage--not just a so so one.  I want us to help each other with our weaknesses and want to make decisions together, but I will still be Rachel.  I am not willing to give up my identity for man.

While engaged, I said that I was kinda sad about loosing my last name. He acted defensive to that like I didn't want his name.  It wasn't that.  Even though I am independent and probably a true feminist, I do plan on taking my husband's last name.  I just felt like I was loosing part of me.  Part of my rich heritage.  I have early American colonial history from New Amsterdam--1623--that is pretty dang good.  I have Mormon pioneer stalk.  This is just from my last name.  There are also so many amazing things from my mom's side of my family.  My ancestors were cheated from money as pioneers in Sanpete county by LDS neighbors.  They lied to them and wouldn't ever repay the money.  What they did was admirable.  They chose to forgive and not let them determine if they should remain in the church or not.  I have grandparents who taught me to love others and show them that they are important.  I am still learning that one.  The list goes on and on...I don't want to loose that.  I will not give up who I am for someone else.

So I dodged a bullet by not marrying him.  I don't think I would be happy if I was.  I would feel stifled.  I won't say I am happy all the time being single or in any other relationship status in my life.  I cried this week about my lack of feeling part of the church, a romantic relationship, a family etc. this week. I have insecurities and I am working on them day by day but I am blessed because I didn't marry him.