Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Just because I am and was hurt doesn't mean that I don't understand how he was confused and hurt too.  I do have some empathy in this whole process.  I maybe didn't allow enough time, or maybe overthought somethings, but I do understand.  When there was a misunderstanding, I tried to ask questions to fix it. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes he became annoyed at me.  I try to resolve things.  I think the problem is that we all view things through the lens of our past.  Everything is filtered through our past triumphs, mistakes, pains etc.  That doesn't mean that we have a full understanding of what is going on.  We try, but we don't have a full understanding.  My understanding of him was through the lens that I have and visa versa.  We only understood as much as we had background understanding to help us "get it." We probably could infer some more information...but there were some critical things we did not understand about each others emotions or background.  I don't know what it is like to have been married in my 20s and married for 15 years.  I don't know what it is like to have kids.  I don't know what it is like to have a parent die.  I don't know lots of things, but I can try to have empathy and I think I did on some level...maybe not enough.  He also doesn't know what it is like to have someone break up with you 3 weeks before your wedding date, or to be perpetually single, or so desperately want to have children but know that your biological clock is ticking and that may never happen, or to be a single woman in a church where there are more faithful women than men and know that there is a chance that you may be single the rest of your life.  We don't always understand what causes others fears or uncertainties or any other emotion completely, but we should try.  We need to also be open enough with our emotions and thoughts so that someone we are will can start to understand how we feel. When we are with others we need to try to have a paradigm shift so that we can see through their lens.  It is hard, but I do think it is essential in any kind of relationship.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My heart hurts

My heart hurts.  I find a dichotomy in my life.  I want to talk to him and tell him little things that happen during the day.  I like talking to him...but now I can't.  I also don't want to talk to him, because I really don't think I mattered enough to him.  I think he liked having me around.  Maybe he even cared for me to the best of his ability, but it was hard for me to not really know what he really thought since he didn't express it.  If I asked he said he couldn't express it. Fair enough! Our demons from our past crept into our relationship.  My anxieties kept me asking about how he was feeling.  I wanted to trust what he said or did...but because of my broken engagement I couldn't fully.  I really tried.  Because of his divorce and how it all ended and even the whole marriage led him to not be able to express himself.  We were two damaged beings that tried to figure it out, but struggled.  It became too much.  I still care for him, maybe still love him but the love is more platonic at this point and less romantic.  It hurts too much to be romantic.  I will continue to try to overcome this anxiety, but I don't know if I can completely without being in a caring committed relationship with someone who understands that I have these anxieties and works with me.  That is not to say that he is perfect, just understands that I have fears about relationships.

Saturday, August 20, 2016


I feel rather unlovable at the moment.  Yes I am fully aware that my break up wasn't all my fault.  I own my mistakes.  I know some of my mistakes, but not all of them, or to the full extent.  I will get there.  I try hard and fully invest myself in relationships.  It doesn't work for me apparently.  Despite my efforts, I am someone who is not good enough for a relationship.  I feel unlovable.

Yes I know this isn't all true...but it feels this way.  Everyone deserves to be adored.  I deserve that.  I may never get it, but I deserve it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Give up or stick it out?

When should you give up or stick it out?  What if it is better for someone for you to just back out?  What if it is better for you?  What if it isn't?  What if sticking it out could be the most beautiful thing?  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now trying to figure everything out.  It may be wonderful and beautiful, but there may be a lot of heartache along the way.  Is that worth it?  I don't want to cause any more pain or heartache for others and that is what I feel like I am doing.  I am making it hard for others and I can't do that.  I am not strong enough to cause people pain, even if it is unintentional.

Monday, March 7, 2016


I am so frustrated!  I know I am not perfect by any means.  I make mistakes, so many mistakes.  So it is time to vent for a second and try to make a plan to make myself better.  I feel like some friends I have are not true friends.  I get that people are just trying to take care of themselves, but it doesn't mean I am not hurt or frustrated.  Planning for the future with others is hard when you all have different needs and wants.  Yes you want to work together, but you don't want to feel shafted either.  I don't like it.

So planning to make myself better. 
1. Really listen to other people.  Don't assume my problems are more important that other people's problems
2. Try to find some sort of compromise when working with others that everyone feels like they are ok in the end
3. Its ok to not get what you want, but it is also ok to fight for yourself.
4.Pray and listen for guidance

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Winners Take It All

Wow that was amazing--possibly the most amazing play I have ever seen in my football watching career. RISE AND SHOUT THE COUGARS ARE OUT!

I am very excited for this season and hope for the best.  We already have a major injury with Taysom Hill and there were some suspensions and things prior to going into this game against Nebraska.  We pulled through.

BYU often does well the first half of the game and struggles the second.  This is how I see my life thus far.  I succeeded in many things the first half and now there are struggles.  It may feel like I need to throw that Hail Mary.  There is a chance to succeed! There is hope, even with only 1 second left on the clock.  There will also be more games.  Even if this one doesn't work in my favor--there are more games.

After the game I walked with a friend.  She is struggling right now with a transition in her life and is feeling down.  All I wanted to talk about was how amazing the game was and all she wanted was for someone to listen and empathize with her.  I was frustrated because she didn't share my excitement and she was frustrated because I maybe heard what she said--but didn't really listen.  There will be times in life where we must share in the joy that someone is feeling even when we are feeling down and reversely we must truly listen and try to understand someone even when we are on a high note.  I left the walk feeling frustrated as I am sure she did too.  She told me she didn't care about BYU or Football which is fine--but honestly this is the best play I think I have ever seen made by my team.  I felt a little offended that she didn't want to share in my happiness.  She basically tried to put me in my place for talking too much about an important event of my day to emphasize that her life was more important. (or so it appeared)  Yes I know real life is more important than football, but leisure activities are important to relieve stress and bolster good feelings.  That is what I had--but now I feel a little dashed because I feel deeply about everything--excitement, sadness, pain etc... She felt offended that I seemed not to care about her or her feeling down.  I really do care about her and what she is going through.  What she didn't know is that I often feel upset or down...just read this blog.  I know I only write when I have strong emotions and often those are the negative ones as they tend to be stronger.  I am going through similar hardships at a different stage. She is frustrated with feeling like most of her friends don't care anymore--I feel the same way.  So many of my friends have moved on with their life.  There is a time and season for everything and everyone. She is frustrated with being single in a family oriented church--me too!  She is frustrated with our little branch where most people are much younger and just married.  Its hard to make friends.  I understand.  I don't understand what it is like to have lost my parents--but I do understand loss.  I understand because I feel it too.  I had a blip of excitement from the game--and I feel like it is now dashed because I wasn't being the friend I needed to be.  I am also frustrated because I should be able to be excited--Often enough on our walks she goes on and on about her feelings good and bad--I know I do too--but what is so bad about being excited about a sporting event?  NOTHING!  We are into different things and that is ok.  So the major lesson learned is that it is ok to be excited--but we must also listen to others.  It is also ok to be down and listen to other's excitement.  I know I feel bad about my actions--but she probably doesn't even realize that she kind of hurt my feelings too. Time to buck up! I honestly didn't need the negativity today--I wish I could handle someone else's negativity and my own too--but I can't always. I now mostly feel guilty because I wasn't good enough of a friend.  I need to realize I did my best and that is all I need to be.

So the Winner Takes It All--  Sometimes we can feel sad as winners and losers and feel sad and that's ok.