Wednesday, January 18, 2017


Some major changes have happened since I last posted in this blog.  In a moment of weakness, I looked the ex boyfriend up on fb.  I saw a girl who commented on his public post.  I looked her up and found her instagram and saw that both he and she are engaged.  YES I said engaged.  Now this is several days after I have found out.  I was very upset the first day or so and still don't feel awesome now, but have more calm in my heart.

These are the reasons this bothers me so greatly.

1. He always said I was going too fast for him. He either started dating her when we had our little break of dating and continued when we were dating, or he started dating her in November. Basically that means he was unwilling to meet my family in the same time he got engaged to her.
2. He had a hard time saying things like I care for you or love you to me.  He told me it was too hard because of everything he went though with his divorce.  He even said I love you and took it back.
3. Initial stages of dating suck!  I have been on several first dates and even a second date with one guy.  I like a few of them enough to continue talking to them and see where things go, but I can't say I am really into any of them.  They are also going through the same thing on the other end.  I am positive they are going on dates with several women.
4. I feel stupid I put up with the crap he pulled on me.  He ignored me when I expressed concern about my anxiety about relationships and even told him what would help.  I really just wanted good communication about thoughts and feelings.
5. I feel like he lied to me the entire time.  One example is how he said he wanted someone different than his ex wife.  Well according to my research, his fiance seems to be more similar to his ex than what he seemed to claim.
6. I don't feel like I was ever a priority to him.  He always put me last on his list.  I maybe was on the list, but always last.  From my investigations, he doesn't treat her that way.  That is a good thing for her, but he was a douche to me.

What I think right now is that I was convenient for him.  Maybe not in distance because we were 20 minutes or so away from one another.  I was convenient because I said nice things to him, I offered to help him in doing things.  I tried to be good to him.  Yes I probably was more bombastic than I should have been.  I just like being around the people I like being around.  I like being with people.  I know I wasn't perfect in things.  I was clingy(ie I just wanted to be with him, talk with him etc), I had anxiety about things(my emotional baggage), I don't always have life experience with dating.  I have had a bunch of early dates.  However, only 2 men have I had a serious relationship with.

I should listen to my gut.  I wrote a few notes in my phone at various times in this relationship just to get feelings out when I was out and about.  Both indicate how I was feeling stress and anxiety about things.  I put up with some things because I knew he was hurting.  I still don't think he realized how his actions played into my anxiety.  For other women it probably isn't as big of deal with communication.  They like doing their own thing and let their husband do theirs.  I just want to spend as much time as possible with my husband.  I want to be able to talk about deep stuff, and heavy things. I want to go to the grocery store, or just sit next to each other watching TV.  Marriage isn't just about the exciting things, but about the day to day experiences. That is living the dream my friends.

I asked my brother Stephen for a blessing.  I don't remember everything but here are a few things I remember:

Heavenly Father and Mother love me and want me to not give up They want me to be happy and that marriage and children will come, but it will be hard.  Don't give up!

In addition to those kind words, Midnight the cat gave me cat lovies. He loves me too!

I also got a text in the middle of the day from one of the gentlemen I am talking to and have been on a date with.  It was serendipitous and a tender mercy.

This all happened on Thursday.

On Saturday I felt the presence of my former roommate Amanda.  She passed away about 11 years ago from leukemia.  Once when we were roommates, we cried over stupid boys we had crushes on that didn't like us back the same way even though they flirted with us.  It was kinda immature and dumb.  I think because of that connection, I was able to feel her comforting me.

People at school have been very supportive.  The teachers, copy ladies, office etc have been wonderful.  They tell me things that I know to be true, but it still hurts.  They say things like you are better off with out someone like that.  My principal even said when I had a conversation with him that that wasn't right.  Validation is helpful.

My relief society president and the elder's quorum president and his wife were also helpful on Monday.  They said similar things to the people at school.  My relief society president even suggested that because of his experience with me, I was able to help him move on from his exwife and be able to now find his fiance.  She said Heavenly Father knew that this was part of my role to help him because I could handle the pain.  He loves him too.

Friends I have had for years and siblings have been helpful and comforting.  They are supportive even if they don't want to hear the same things over and over again.  They are wonderful.

My favorite validation was from Facebook though.  I blocked him, not for him, but for me.  Facebook told me "I am sorry you had to go through this experience."

All in all I am grateful for all the support I have had from friends, family, coworkers etc.  They are amazing!

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