I stay at home most of the time...and yes I still live alone...and yes it sucks. I am lonely. I feel alone and unwanted. Dating life still isn't my favorite and honestly quarantine dating is kinda worse than normal dating.
Few things I have noticed about myself and others about dating in general and quarantine dating.
Some of us(me included) are taking this virus to be serious.
Some are not and are offended when you aren't ready to meet in person...yet.
Being physically wanted is still a thing if not more so when you aren't around people is big.
Some people are trying hard to communicate by expressing themselves and listening--others are not.
I am trying and more than often failing at that.
A few things that have gone down recently.
One guy was upset that I wasn't ready to meet him or have him come over to my house on a first date. My rule still stands of meeting someone in a public location. Sorry bud. Also wanting to come over on a first date means all you want to do is get into my pants or some semi chaste variation of that. I wasn't ready to meet him in person yet partially due to my own insecurities and past. Honestly I have issues with trust of both myself and others when it comes to dating. I only talked to this guy for a little less than a week before he decided I was too much of an effort.
Another guy I talked to with shorter conversations for over a month. Nothing super serious. I wasn't sure how busy he was since he expressed how busy he was. He had kinda drifted off in the chatting so I asked if he still wanted to get to know each other. He said yes. A few days later I said something like looks like you are really busy. I see how that could have come across as snarky or accusing. I am working on that...but am far from successful about it. He then told me I was immature because I didn't answer some phone call he said he made that I still did not receive unless it was a number I didn't know and he didn't leave a message. He rudely asked if I took mental pills--like taking pills to help with mental issues like depression and anxiety are a bad thing. I didn't really respond to that until after saying something like its ok to take those if you need them. He told me he didn't date chubby chxs. Fine but why were you talking to me for about a month.
Right before this went down I went on a few dates with a guy who liked me. I guess we had matched previously and I vaguely remember it. He said he had hoped we would reconnect because he liked me and had a crush on me. During those dates and conversations I was trying to figure out how I felt about him and accidentally led him on making him feel used. It was not intentional and I still feel really bad about it. I don't think we were a match and really didn't and don't feel right about it even though I think he is a good person.
Lastly, a guy who I have been talking to for a while friend zoned me a while ago. We still talked but in my heart I knew he cared about me. I thought maybe he did so due to living far away from me. I care about him and really did and do like him. I could see a future with him more than just a friend. I guess I always treated it that way. We had some gaps in our communication about how we process things and communication styles. Something I am working on and I am sure he is too. He told me today that he wanted to be done and bow out. It hurts, I am not going to lie. I deleted all contact information and said he was welcome to contact me in the future if he felt like it. I know I got frustrated and so did he about our gaps in communication and processing things differently. In January I said something, before he friend zoned me, about how he seemed to not know what he wanted and when he did he should contact me. He talked to me the next day. I tried to give him space. I tried to do what he seemed to want, but in the end our communication and verbiage used in that communication ended it. Its ok I suppose. I don't want him or for me to feel like we are always doing something wrong and we got to that point that we were.
Honestly I don't know where the level is of trying to stand up for things I need in a relationship and what they need.
I am talking to another guy who has kids. He seems ok thus far. Haven't met yet due to this quarantine thing, but he seems to be ok with me being unsure it is a good time to meet because of it. He still has to leave his house for work, unlike me who is trying to manage at home and do online schooling. I would like to meet him. I just don't know how safe it is to meet up with people even though I long to be with people(mostly just the people I know and love).
And catfish are plenty abundant--and yes they still basically follow the same script.
Quarantine life is frustrating...I feel unproductive in basically all aspects of my life. I don't feel like I am an effective teacher. I miss my students tremendously. I don't feel like I am an effective dater. I don't feel like a am a decent baker or cook--though I did get my hands on a sour dough starter and am trying some things with the discard. I haven't been brave enough to try a loaf of bread yet since they are more intense. On a semi positive note, I haven't worn make up in over a month and really don't mind it. Granted I don't wear a lot of make up but still.
So this composition was not really on any one topic and was mostly ramblings but I needed to write it down. I am frustrated. I am frustrated with this virus. I am frustrated with myself for not quite having these relationship skills down yet. I am frustrated about being alone most of the day. I am frustrated about teaching and what is going to happen in regard to the virus and other things. I am frustrated about biological clock issues and getting closer to my birthday and still another year passing and still not in a place to have a child. I want to be a mom. I always have. I hate having biology against me.
On a positive note I am trying to start looking for a place to move. Hopefully I can find a good fit. I think I did need to live where I am for a time, but it is time to move on. (maybe even longer than time to move on).
So ramblings are coming to an end since this didn't really have a clear thesis statement.
Much luck to everyone during this time.
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