Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My heart hurts

My heart hurts.  I find a dichotomy in my life.  I want to talk to him and tell him little things that happen during the day.  I like talking to him...but now I can't.  I also don't want to talk to him, because I really don't think I mattered enough to him.  I think he liked having me around.  Maybe he even cared for me to the best of his ability, but it was hard for me to not really know what he really thought since he didn't express it.  If I asked he said he couldn't express it. Fair enough! Our demons from our past crept into our relationship.  My anxieties kept me asking about how he was feeling.  I wanted to trust what he said or did...but because of my broken engagement I couldn't fully.  I really tried.  Because of his divorce and how it all ended and even the whole marriage led him to not be able to express himself.  We were two damaged beings that tried to figure it out, but struggled.  It became too much.  I still care for him, maybe still love him but the love is more platonic at this point and less romantic.  It hurts too much to be romantic.  I will continue to try to overcome this anxiety, but I don't know if I can completely without being in a caring committed relationship with someone who understands that I have these anxieties and works with me.  That is not to say that he is perfect, just understands that I have fears about relationships.

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