Wednesday, August 17, 2016


I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!

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