comfort given that's not comforting

Living as a 30 something in a Mormon pro marriage community people sometimes try to offer comfort.  Sometimes it is comforting and well meaning.  It shows who really cares about you.  Often, however, even with people who care, it comes across as harsh and not comforting at all.

When people say things like, I wish I was single--you can do whatever you want?  Or even when people in the church with a position of authority say things like if you are faithful you will be provided with a spouse.  What that means to me is if I make any mistakes, I am screwed.  I see people who are married who make all sorts of mistakes, but me as a single adult--sorry if you aren't faithful enough you don't get the blessing of marriage.

I recently listened to a talk written by Pres. Ezra Taft Benson.  It was delivered by Thomas S. Monson.  In it he said that people, women mostly, shouldn't put off marriage and children for finishing school or having a career.  The way it was worded was supposed to be comforting, but really just implied that if you have those things your priorities are in the wrong place. 

That being said I am just doing my best.  I am generally happy as a single person. I work on finding things in my life that are going well and focus on the positive.  That generally is related to my educational success and my career success.  If I hadn't done those things, I probably would still be single--but would have nothing to show for it.  Aren't we supposed to try to improve ourselves.  Study out of the best books and such...I know people try to be comforting--but generally they are not.

What should happen instead?  Find things we have in common and focus on those.  Don't dwell on my singlehood--I do that enough for the both of us. Help me focus on the positive things I have going for me in this time.  Spend time with me, talk to me, love me for who I am and not for who I am not. 

Austenland and True Life...

I just got back from watching the Movie Austenland with my friend Tammy from work.  I adore her and love spending time with her.  We had a great time.  Note to self, do not eat cookies, pop, and popcorn for dinner again, your body doesn't like it.

Austenland is about a girl Jane, who is played by Keri Russell in the movie.  She is obsessed with Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen fame.  In the book it goes through her list of boyfriends and how they don't live up to her Mr. Darcy.  She tries to keep her Darcy love a secret.  In the movie it is spilling from her.  The movie was true to the ideas of the book, but it had to tell the story a little differently to make it work in that format.  Shannon Hale the Author was one of the writers of the screen play so you know it would be.

I have read the book twice, the sequel once, and now seen the movie.  I also have spent many hours reading and watching other Jane Austeny films and books. When I read the book the first time I was a little horrified.  I was too much like the main character and it kind of scared me.  I was too obsessed with Jane Austen! My life is not like that.  I don't even have a Regency like vacation to help me find what is real.  I have a different journey.

We all have our "ideal man" don't we?  For Jane it was a man who resembled Mr. Darcy.  As much as I love Darcy...I don't think he would be the man for me.  I am much more of a Colonel Brandon kinda girl, or Mr. Knightly, or even Captain Wentworth, but less of a Mr. Darcy. 

Sometimes we hold our standards so high that we don't see the real around us.  We can't see the beauty in people that we meet. 

I am always excited to hear people who have good news about finding their love of their life, but at the same time depending on their past experience it will depend on how excited I am for them.  If they are younger than me--excited--but jealous!  I have a cousin's daughter getting married soon and she is getting married to a great guy who has a master's degree.  That is pretty much what I want!  I have put my time in to get a master's degree, I want that from my husband.  My cousin who passed away a few years ago, his wife is getting remarried to an amazing man I met at the family reunion.  Very excited for her, but yet jealous again.  How is it she can find two amazing men before I can even find one.  I find that when people are closer to my age and with a similar experience or if I spend a lot of time with them I am much more excited for them.  Though that is not always the case.  When my younger brother got married a year ago I was excited--true--but also disappointed.  It's not fair I would say.  He is 6 years younger than me and is getting married to a girl who was under 20. Yes I love her and she is very nice and now we have a little wee baby who I love and adore even though she was just born a few days ago, but that doesn't change my heartbreak for me.  I love what I have learned in my 18-now 32 years and my experience are valuable, but I don't understand why some people get married young and some people get married when they are older and some never get married. Clearly I am not a person who got married young.  But will I be a person who gets married when I am older?  Why does this happen?  Basically I am heartbroken that my time hasn't come.  Yes I can be happy, and yes I have had a great life thus far, but I don't want to be alone. 

In Austenland, she was able to find the man who is perfect for her.  In Austen novels, the women find men who are perfect for them even though they don't always see it at first.  Marianne thought Willouhby was perfect for her, but then grew to love Colonel Brandon. That is what I hold on hope for.  I will find someone perfect for me.  Not perfect, just perfect for me.

Reasons you know your biological clock is ticking...

Tic, Tic, Tic

Please take this as a joke as it is meant to be, but as in any joke there is some truth to it all...

• You sometimes walk down the baby aisle at the store and swoon
• You have dreams about having kids
• You have talked to your woman doctor about someday having kids and how hard it may or may not be
• Your favorite part about church is seeing the cute babies and possibly getting to hold one
• You know more than you should about the pros and cons of birth control
• You plan on playing the "baby lottery" when you get married and hope that you will win the jack pot
• You become emotional when you read a Jimmy Fallon article about how he discusses how he and his wife had infertility issues
• You follow your friends facebook and blogs about their adoption process
• You become uncomfortable in church when they talk about marriage and family
• You know and maybe have possibly even googled information about the breastfed and formula fed baby debate

My life as the "OTHER WOMAN"

So I just found out I was the "Other woman." How does that work you ask?  Well I will tell you.  I have been on a two dates with the same guy.  I had fun.  I had hope for something more.  We even kissed. I know that that doesn't mean we were in a relationship.  We weren't. So how does this make me the other woman? Well apparently he was dating another woman for some time.  They dated off and on.  It was not super serious from what I gather because she lived out of the state. He did like her however and even had a former Facebook profile pic where he claimed they were friends in the comments. In the meantime we were set up and had a pretty decent first date.  He asked me on a second date...a few weeks later.  It was good. We ate dinner, watched a movie and made out. I tried to go with the flow and let him take the lead.  We texted or FB messaged a few times back and forth, but always with some time in between.  He even contacted me within the last week. Last night I found out he was dating this other girl and has been for a while.  Honestly, I am not upset at him but at the situation.  Who wants a romcom experience where you are a negative supporting role? I wasn't that into him really because all I got was a text every once in a while. That is lame.  I was pretty much over him anyway because I didn't think he was that into me with the lack of contact. But I hate that he turned me into the other woman. He was just keeping me on the back burner in case his main dish didn't quite turn out.  I don't like being there.  Now how did I learn this--well a person I work with is a sibling of the girl this guy is now dating.  It showed up on Facebook and now I know.  And because of the situation I asked my coworker if his sister was dating someone.  Yes, I did that! We have had conversations in the past about her because she is in my same boat...you know the one where you are over 30 and single boat. I know she was upset he was dating other girls. My coworker said so. I would be too.  She was just hoping for the best, as we all do. I hope for the best for her and for her future.  She after all is a girl after my own heart...she is over 30 and single. 

Perpetual Singlehood

Yes, I am single, and yes I see the benefits of it as we'll as the negatives.  What I would really like to know is if I am meant to be single my whole life or if at some unknown date I will find the guy I am supposed to marry.  Some friends I have say they would rather not know so that they can still have hope that the miracle of marriage will still happen at some undisclosed time.  I want to know.  Yes right now I am holding out hope.  I occasionally go on dates.  If they are good or have any potential at all my hope grows a little.  I am not saying I am psycho, because I am not.  But if it is a good date and he is a good guy--- then I hope a little more.  I don't think after one date I will marry that man or anything. I just hope because I am ready to close this chapter in my life. If I am supposed to be single my whole life--- it would be liberating to know.  I could move on from dating.  I could go on vacations, I can make new friends. I could work abroad.  I could serve people and be the best dog on aunt in the whole world.  I feel like hoping, waiting, and doing my best to get married sometimes holds me back of things I think I would enjoy like working overseas.  I haven't done it because I hope to get married and I know chances are even slimmer if I were to move abroad.  I want to know.  That is not how The Lord works.  I need to have faith in envy footstep.  I need to think of the lyrics of "Lead Kindly Light" where one step [should be] enough for me. Or think of Nephi were he was led by the spirit not knowing beforehand the things he should do.  That's hard.  I don't always recognize the spirit, so I feel like I am making decisions alone.  Being alone is what being single is all about.

friends from a former life

I saw a friend last night I haven't seen in years.  It is amazing to me that I could go back and we had conversations we had in high school or college.  I will be honest however.  Because we are in totally different places in our lives, I didn't think it would be this way.  It is refreshing to know that there are friends that can last a long time.  There have been so many friends I have had in my life that were only in my life for a time.  Perhaps for some it was before they got married, and others while they were in classes, or a ward or at work were my friends but have since move on, but really haven't I as well.  I have moved on to other friends and to other experiences.  I am glad to know that even though we have moved onto new experiences, we are still friends.  THAT IS A GOOD FEELING.

Boston

Boston is such a beautiful city with amazing history.  There has been tragedy and success in the past such as the Boston Massacre and the Boston Tea Party.  Sadly today a tragedy has happened.  At the finish line of the Boston Marathon there were explosions. I know people who were there just a few blocks away.  It's frightening and scary.  When I was listening to NPR, one reporter said he was not allowed on a sky walk because of an abandoned package.  This reminds me of my life, half a lifetime ago, when I lived in Israel.  Streets were closed because of possible bombs.  One time at the Jerusalem Center, some tourists were concerned because some BYU student left his backpack in the hallway for a significant period of time. We assured the tourists that there was nothing to worry about, he just wasn't thinking.  Ultimately I am thankful that the people I know are safe, and that generally we don't live in a place where this happens.  Yes I know it has happened multiple times in the United States such as The World Trade Center Bombings, Oklahoma City, Atlanta Olympics or even in Salt Lake with the Salamander Letter Scandal with Mark Hoffman.  We live in a world where there are possibilities like this. There are scary things that can happen.  Hurt happens.  What we need to remember is that we can be healed through Jesus Christ.  Our hurt, our sorrow, our fears and pain can be overcome through the atonement. Life may be hard, but it will be okay.

Things I dislike...

I dislike pregnancy pictures that look like engagement photos.
I especially dislike it when they make a heart with their hands on the pregnant tummy.
I dislike naked baby newborn photos.  I don't want to see your baby's nakedness unless I am changing their diaper. 
I dislike when people say expecially--it is especially---no x is involved.
I dislike it when my shoulder hurts.
I dislike it when people tell me what I want, when they don't really know.
I dislike it when people are condescending to me.
I especially dislike it when I just let them be because I don't know how to respond.
I dislike it when people act like they are in high school and are clicky when they are adults.
I dislike when I don't feel like I can act like myself around people.
I dislike when I over think things.
I dislike when people take to long to respond to an email, text, phone call etc.
I dislike when I realize I have wasted the day away.
I dislike when you have a bruise and you don't know where it came from.
I dislike when I try to make everyone I am with happy and I feel like it was all for not because they don't care or are unappreciative.
I dislike when you choose a TV boyfriend(you know, your favorite characters) and they disappoint you.
I dislike when they kill off characters you like in stories--TV or books.
I dislike when I cry over a commercial, or a TV show.
I dislike when I let other's peoples choices hurt me.
I dislike how I always crave sugar.
I dislike how some clothes are always uncomfortable.
...

Wadi

I have made a real effort to go with the flow over the last few months.  I say this because I often get discouraged, or I get anxious and I struggle with things I cannot control. Going with the flow for me is about just letting things happen as they do and to try to have a good attitude.  I don't have to know the outcome of everything.  I can let others lead and I can follow. I don't have to follow everything.  I can make choices that will work with the group of people I am with and myself.  It is about trying to listen to the spirit, and following it.

This scripture helps me.  1 Nephi 4:6
And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.

With that being said.  It is easy to go with the flow when you are in a river, or a steam, but it is really hard when you live in a wadi. What is a wadi you ask? A wadi is a dry river bed.  It only sometimes has a flow with heavy rain.  I happen to live in a wadi with certain issues in my life.  I would love to understand how to go with the flow, but most of the time there is no flow. Sometimes there is a flow, but rarely. I will continue to try to go with the flow even if it is hard.

Death by Evaporation

Have you ever heard of such a thing?  I assure you it's a real thing.  Once upon a time when my brother was in high school he had some molly fish.  You know, if you ever have had mollys, that if you have boy and girl mollys they reproduce like guppies. He was very excited at first.  He got the tank all spruced up for them and he was taking care of them and had a special little net for all of the babies. There were many little babies. Eventually he got busy and let the tank run itself.  He even put it in the other room.  It was ok, the fish took care of themselves.  They ate whatever they could find in the tank.  My brother ended up forgetting about them and the water evaporated slowly but surely.  They died of evaporation.

What is my point?  This is like how guys in their 30s deal with women now.  They first respond well to them, but eventually stop contacting them.  They seem excited at first but eventually get busy with other things and just stop contacting.  Other things could be work, other women whatever it doesn't matter. They are letting any potential relationship die by evaporation.  They just forget about it and let it take care of itself by not contacting the other person. It dies of evaporation.

Third in a line of Triplets

I had another dream about triplets.  This one was a little more dreamish and not realistic, but still my third dream on the subject.  This time a friend who actually does have multiples (twins) was in my dream.  In the dream these multiples were triplets combining her first and second pregnancies into one.  She has twin boys and an older girl.  In my dream she had 2 girls and a boy--hence the more dreamish dream.  She had me hold them at the same time to give me practice.  So though this wasn't as realistic and something I could totally see happening, I do find it odd that I keep having dreams like this.

Confession time:  I had the Quits dolls and used to pretend that my barbies had multiple births.  With 5 to choose from sometimes they only had one, other times they had 2, 3, 4, or 5. Now I don't think you realize how cool these dolls were.  They had numbers on their diapers on their bums and thier girl dolls had full on pig tails though they were babies and the boys also had a full head of hair.  They were pretty amazing!

32...well maybe not

There are exactly 2 months until my birthday yet in the past few months people have asked how old I am(you know ones I actually tell how old I am, not my students) and I have said more than once I am 32.  I am NOT 32.  I am still 31. And I don't even realize until after I tell them. I was wondering why my brain is doing this...I think the first half of being 31 was a challenge to me in so many ways.  It was hard personally, professionally etc... I think my brain is thinking its time to move on to something bigger and better.  There are good things in store for me. 32 will be an awesome year!  I am just getting a head start now.

On a side note I don't tell my students how old I am ever.  I do tell them what year I was born on my birthday and let them figure it out.  I know there are only 1-2 weeks of school left after my birthday.  When they ask me how old I am I have always said "old enough" and leave it at that. I had a girl in another class ask how old I was yesterday. I told her, old enough to be her mother...which is true. :)

All American Movies

I was given this movie list today.  Now which of these movies have I watched...sadly not that many.  Looks like I need to watch a few more movies.

 

“Here are 50 movies that one way or another, capture the American spirit.  Heroes tall in the saddle, pioneers of land and air, defenders of freedom, men and women who dared to hitch their wagon to a star—they’re all here.”-All American Patriot’s Almanac, p. 103

Apollo 13--Seen it

The Best Years of Our lives, 1946--Own it and love it!

The Big Country, 1958

The Blind Side-Seen it

 Boys Town, 1938

Cinderella Man-seen it

Coal Miner’s Daughter

Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier, 1955

Driving Miss Daisy

Field of Dreams-seen it

Gettysburg

Giant

The Glenn Miller Story

Glory-seen it

Gone with the Wind-seen it

The Grapes of Wrath

High Noon

Hoosiers-seen it

Independence Day-seen it--and think it's awesome!

It’s a Wonderful Life-One of my favorites

John Adams, 7 part series on HBO-really need to see it!

The Last of the Mohicans

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, 1962

Miracle-Seen it and own it!

Miracle on 34^th Street, 1947 version-seen it

The Miracle Worker, 1962-seen it

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, 1939

The Music Man-I love this musical!

October Sky

Oklahoma-Seen it and also love this musical!

Patton--Good movie!--My grandpa was under him during WWII.

The Pride of the Yankees, 1942

The Princess and the Frog, animated-Love it

The Pursuit of Happyness-Seen it

Red River, 1948

Rock-Seen it

Roots,  part series-Kunta Kinte is a character I will never forget especially since he hosts Reading Rainbow.

Rudy-seen it

Sands of Iwo Jima, 1949

Saving Private Ryan

Seabiscuit-seen it

The Searchers, 1956 NOT animated

Sergeant York, 1941

Shane, 1953-Seen it, better than expected

Stagecoach, 1939

Stand and Deliver-Who didn't watch this in math class?

To Kill a Mockingbird-what a great show!  And a great book!

Tora! Tora! Tora!

Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942

Triplets

I will admit that I have always wanted to have twins.  Ever since I was little, I thought having twins would be awesome.  Yes as I have gotten older, I have realized how hard it would be.  Incredibly hard, in case you were wondering. In addition to this it might be a possibility.  It runs in my family.  Most recently in the family line, My grandfather had siblings who were twins.  I have several cousins who also have twins.  Also more and more multiple births are happening. That being said, I have never even though of having triplets until recently...

A few months ago, I had a dream about having triplets.  I was married and had just delivered triplets in the hospital.  Two boys and a girl.  They had names Bridget, Marc and Ben.  And yes it was Marc with a c...it was very clear.  Bridget was the biggest baby, but they were all small.  My brother Stephen and his wife Alison came to the hospital to visit.  My brother in being his jovial self said "I guess you win!"  This would be in reference to me having 3 kids and my other siblings only having 2. It was super realistic.

Ok--how does one take a dream like that?  Well I joke about it and such, but in my mind I think of it more as a possibility than before...

Now that's not all.  A few days ago I had another dream about triplets. I was not too far along but pregnant with them.  I had been to the doctor and he discovered there were 3 babies.  I decided I needed to tell my principal, even though I had not told very many people.  I talked to him about how I may need to miss some days and how I go about thinking about people for maternity leave.  I said my sister-in-law had her babies in May and had a student teacher take over as the long term sub when she was done.  I wondered about that possiblity.  And another detail was that these babies were due in May.

Crazy, no?  Two dreams about having triplets.  I just don't know what to say.

The Big 3

So continuing with my theme of dating, since that is a part of my life, sometimes it is bigger, sometimes its smaller.  It is ever present. So YES, I want to get married (just in case you were not clear).  So what are the big 3 you ask? 
First I will tell you how this idea came to be.  Every time, I mean EVERY TIME, I get together with single friends, we talk about dating.  We have after all been dating since we were about 16 and are now in our 30s.  Even if you don't count dating until we were a marriageable age at say 18, it has still been longer than a decade for us. We often talk about how our expectations in our dating lives have changed in our years of dating. When we were 18-early 20s we had high expectations and a longer list.  Now into our 30s our list is much smaller.  Despite what others may think, we are not picky.  We are not choosy.  We still have standards and are not going lower them, but we still want good guys.  Truth is a lot of the good guys are already married.  So to those people telling me that I am choosy--especially since they maybe got married young--like say 18-26 range--you don't know what you are talking about.  I am not asking for much really...

The big 3 (according to one friend, but I also agree with)
1. Has a career type job
2. Does not live with mom and dad
3. Is committed to the Gospel of Jesus Christ

So basically if I can find a man I can communicate with that has these 3 qualities--you are golden.

Boys Suck! But I Want One!

I really don't understand boys...really.  Ok that's not entirely true, I understand boys ie the boys in my 5th class, but not ones that are date worthy or older age appropriate ones or otherwise known as men.  I don't know how to read them, I don't understand what they mean or what their expectations are.

This is what I have to deal with as an over 30 single girl in Mormondom:
There are often few men compared to women.
The ones you can find fit into these categories.
Men often don't have careers
Men often live at home
Men often don't know how to communicate with women
Men often don't care for or try to be a better person
Men often don't care for church

Some men are divorced and have kids--not undoable, but not my first choice.


When you find a good possibility of someone who has a career, seems to have goals, is strong in the gospel, doesn't life in home and someone you could be interested in they often are not clear or give mixed messages.

My conclusions
It means that they are just over 30, Mormon and single and don't know how to be in a relationship.
It means that they are not into you.
It means they are busy.
It means that they may have someone else they are interested in.

It could mean any or all of the above.

If it was 100% clear that they were not into me, then it would be easy to move on, but the problem is the semi-frequent cryptic messages that keep you on that back burner just in case.  I don't like being on the back burner.  There is only so much I can do with few semi frequent messages.  I have done my part and can't do anymore.

The truth is, I still want one.  I want to be married, but in a good marriage.  
 

THE END