Sunday, September 15, 2013

comfort given that's not comforting

Living as a 30 something in a Mormon pro marriage community people sometimes try to offer comfort.  Sometimes it is comforting and well meaning.  It shows who really cares about you.  Often, however, even with people who care, it comes across as harsh and not comforting at all.

When people say things like, I wish I was single--you can do whatever you want?  Or even when people in the church with a position of authority say things like if you are faithful you will be provided with a spouse.  What that means to me is if I make any mistakes, I am screwed.  I see people who are married who make all sorts of mistakes, but me as a single adult--sorry if you aren't faithful enough you don't get the blessing of marriage.

I recently listened to a talk written by Pres. Ezra Taft Benson.  It was delivered by Thomas S. Monson.  In it he said that people, women mostly, shouldn't put off marriage and children for finishing school or having a career.  The way it was worded was supposed to be comforting, but really just implied that if you have those things your priorities are in the wrong place. 

That being said I am just doing my best.  I am generally happy as a single person. I work on finding things in my life that are going well and focus on the positive.  That generally is related to my educational success and my career success.  If I hadn't done those things, I probably would still be single--but would have nothing to show for it.  Aren't we supposed to try to improve ourselves.  Study out of the best books and such...I know people try to be comforting--but generally they are not.

What should happen instead?  Find things we have in common and focus on those.  Don't dwell on my singlehood--I do that enough for the both of us. Help me focus on the positive things I have going for me in this time.  Spend time with me, talk to me, love me for who I am and not for who I am not. 

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