Unlovable

I feel rather unlovable at the moment.  Yes I am fully aware that my break up wasn't all my fault.  I own my mistakes.  I know some of my mistakes, but not all of them, or to the full extent.  I will get there.  I try hard and fully invest myself in relationships.  It doesn't work for me apparently.  Despite my efforts, I am someone who is not good enough for a relationship.  I feel unlovable.

Yes I know this isn't all true...but it feels this way.  Everyone deserves to be adored.  I deserve that.  I may never get it, but I deserve it.

Validated

I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!

Give up or stick it out?

When should you give up or stick it out?  What if it is better for someone for you to just back out?  What if it is better for you?  What if it isn't?  What if sticking it out could be the most beautiful thing?  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now trying to figure everything out.  It may be wonderful and beautiful, but there may be a lot of heartache along the way.  Is that worth it?  I don't want to cause any more pain or heartache for others and that is what I feel like I am doing.  I am making it hard for others and I can't do that.  I am not strong enough to cause people pain, even if it is unintentional.

Frustration

I am so frustrated!  I know I am not perfect by any means.  I make mistakes, so many mistakes.  So it is time to vent for a second and try to make a plan to make myself better.  I feel like some friends I have are not true friends.  I get that people are just trying to take care of themselves, but it doesn't mean I am not hurt or frustrated.  Planning for the future with others is hard when you all have different needs and wants.  Yes you want to work together, but you don't want to feel shafted either.  I don't like it.

So planning to make myself better. 
1. Really listen to other people.  Don't assume my problems are more important that other people's problems
2. Try to find some sort of compromise when working with others that everyone feels like they are ok in the end
3. Its ok to not get what you want, but it is also ok to fight for yourself.
4.Pray and listen for guidance

The Winners Take It All

Wow that was amazing--possibly the most amazing play I have ever seen in my football watching career. RISE AND SHOUT THE COUGARS ARE OUT!

I am very excited for this season and hope for the best.  We already have a major injury with Taysom Hill and there were some suspensions and things prior to going into this game against Nebraska.  We pulled through.

BYU often does well the first half of the game and struggles the second.  This is how I see my life thus far.  I succeeded in many things the first half and now there are struggles.  It may feel like I need to throw that Hail Mary.  There is a chance to succeed! There is hope, even with only 1 second left on the clock.  There will also be more games.  Even if this one doesn't work in my favor--there are more games.

After the game I walked with a friend.  She is struggling right now with a transition in her life and is feeling down.  All I wanted to talk about was how amazing the game was and all she wanted was for someone to listen and empathize with her.  I was frustrated because she didn't share my excitement and she was frustrated because I maybe heard what she said--but didn't really listen.  There will be times in life where we must share in the joy that someone is feeling even when we are feeling down and reversely we must truly listen and try to understand someone even when we are on a high note.  I left the walk feeling frustrated as I am sure she did too.  She told me she didn't care about BYU or Football which is fine--but honestly this is the best play I think I have ever seen made by my team.  I felt a little offended that she didn't want to share in my happiness.  She basically tried to put me in my place for talking too much about an important event of my day to emphasize that her life was more important. (or so it appeared)  Yes I know real life is more important than football, but leisure activities are important to relieve stress and bolster good feelings.  That is what I had--but now I feel a little dashed because I feel deeply about everything--excitement, sadness, pain etc... She felt offended that I seemed not to care about her or her feeling down.  I really do care about her and what she is going through.  What she didn't know is that I often feel upset or down...just read this blog.  I know I only write when I have strong emotions and often those are the negative ones as they tend to be stronger.  I am going through similar hardships at a different stage. She is frustrated with feeling like most of her friends don't care anymore--I feel the same way.  So many of my friends have moved on with their life.  There is a time and season for everything and everyone. She is frustrated with being single in a family oriented church--me too!  She is frustrated with our little branch where most people are much younger and just married.  Its hard to make friends.  I understand.  I don't understand what it is like to have lost my parents--but I do understand loss.  I understand because I feel it too.  I had a blip of excitement from the game--and I feel like it is now dashed because I wasn't being the friend I needed to be.  I am also frustrated because I should be able to be excited--Often enough on our walks she goes on and on about her feelings good and bad--I know I do too--but what is so bad about being excited about a sporting event?  NOTHING!  We are into different things and that is ok.  So the major lesson learned is that it is ok to be excited--but we must also listen to others.  It is also ok to be down and listen to other's excitement.  I know I feel bad about my actions--but she probably doesn't even realize that she kind of hurt my feelings too. Time to buck up! I honestly didn't need the negativity today--I wish I could handle someone else's negativity and my own too--but I can't always. I now mostly feel guilty because I wasn't good enough of a friend.  I need to realize I did my best and that is all I need to be.

So the Winner Takes It All--  Sometimes we can feel sad as winners and losers and feel sad and that's ok.

Sleeping and Waking

Should I be sleeping...of course but alas I am awake and truly upset.  Facebook lovingly provides you with your memories of what happened on this day in the past...For months now I have been reliving a nightmare by looking at them.  I am intrigued daily by what is on them.  Some days are amazing, whereas others or sad.  It has happened--the day that my heart was broken was relived through these memories.  Interestingly enough years later my brother was married and it was joyful.  I feel full of emotions---not just over the reliving of memories, but of how awful online dating is.  Everything is at best uncomfortable and more often for me tends to be questions or comments that are inappropriate for someone you have never met and of a rather intimate nature.  No! is all I have to say to men on the internet.  Your comments are not warranted, nor are they wanted.  You should never email someone these kinds of questions without meeting them, and even then...probably not appropriate.

It is now 1:12 in the morning as I type.  My heart is no longer broken as it once was--there is a great big beautiful tomorrow.  The long sleep of being alone will be done soon--waking will come soon.

Groundhog Day, Sickness, and Tasting

February has brought me sickness, coughing, yucky, achy sickness.  I have stayed home most of the week.  I had a substitute Monday, and Tuesday.  I went to the doctor on Monday and I do not have the flu, but I do have some sort of respiratory yuckyness. Just like the groundhog, I made an appearance at school on Wednesday.  I saw my shadow and have decided to hibernate the rest of the week. I broke down at lunch and cried.  I made it through the day, but just barely.  I planned for a sub for Thursday--today and also tomorrow Friday.  I feel a million times better today, but not perfect.  I am staying home as I have already made plans for my sub and I don't want to make the same mistake of going back too soon.

Once you have a taste for something, you crave it.  I went on my second date with that Gentleman last Saturday.  He is really nice.  Yes, our conversations were on the fluffy side but I had a good time.  He is incredibly hard to read.  He is also a poor texter.  He asked me out via text on Wednesday and started the conversation by saying "good evening." Sure, it was polite, but what am I supposed to do with that?  It is really hard to have conversations like that.  At the end of our date he said lets keep in touch, but no hug so I am at a loss for what to expect or even hope for.  I texted him the next day to ask what he thought of the superbowl.  He responded and said they started later.  I texted and said that the last quarter was crazy...and then...radio silence. I get that he is a poor texter and over 30 and single, so there are issues on his end as well as all of my own. I just don't know.  I don't want to read into things that are not there for good or ill.  I don't want to make excuses if he isn't that into me, or I don't want to make excuses when maybe he could like me.  So now that I have been on two dates with the same person...I crave dating.  I had been on a dating fast, not intentionally per se, but on one none the less. The last date I had been on prior to this was the date I was on last summer, and before that was basically over a year before. I do have a taste for dating, or really rather spending time with someone and getting to know them.  I honestly hate dating...but mostly the part where I don't know what is going on.  If one knows that a person is interested, it is easier. 

Do you know what I hate most of all? That I compare every---EVERY---relationship to what I had with my ex fiance.  We had an easy time starting to date and it was pretty easy most of the time...granted he didn't communicate with me and tell me his feelings openly leading to a huge breakup three weeks before a wedding date.  I want things to be more known to me at the beginning, but then I think what if that was the problem.  I second guess myself in everything I do.  I know it was years ago--but it has affected me deeply by judging myself and every other man I will ever date.  To them, I apologize.  To myself, I apologize as well.  Just be be clear, I know I wasn't perfect in that relationship.  I did things I made it a place where he didn't feel like he could talk to me and probably made him feel not as manly has he needed to feel among other things.  Every relationship is more than one person's fault.  Truth is I blame myself.  Yes, I am grateful I am not married to him, but I carry the blame and have for years and like I said, it makes me second guess myself and dating.