Thursday, February 5, 2015

Groundhog Day, Sickness, and Tasting

February has brought me sickness, coughing, yucky, achy sickness.  I have stayed home most of the week.  I had a substitute Monday, and Tuesday.  I went to the doctor on Monday and I do not have the flu, but I do have some sort of respiratory yuckyness. Just like the groundhog, I made an appearance at school on Wednesday.  I saw my shadow and have decided to hibernate the rest of the week. I broke down at lunch and cried.  I made it through the day, but just barely.  I planned for a sub for Thursday--today and also tomorrow Friday.  I feel a million times better today, but not perfect.  I am staying home as I have already made plans for my sub and I don't want to make the same mistake of going back too soon.

Once you have a taste for something, you crave it.  I went on my second date with that Gentleman last Saturday.  He is really nice.  Yes, our conversations were on the fluffy side but I had a good time.  He is incredibly hard to read.  He is also a poor texter.  He asked me out via text on Wednesday and started the conversation by saying "good evening." Sure, it was polite, but what am I supposed to do with that?  It is really hard to have conversations like that.  At the end of our date he said lets keep in touch, but no hug so I am at a loss for what to expect or even hope for.  I texted him the next day to ask what he thought of the superbowl.  He responded and said they started later.  I texted and said that the last quarter was crazy...and silence. I get that he is a poor texter and over 30 and single, so there are issues on his end as well as all of my own. I just don't know.  I don't want to read into things that are not there for good or ill.  I don't want to make excuses if he isn't that into me, or I don't want to make excuses when maybe he could like me.  So now that I have been on two dates with the same person...I crave dating.  I had been on a dating fast, not intentionally per se, but on one none the less. The last date I had been on prior to this was the date I was on last summer, and before that was basically over a year before. I do have a taste for dating, or really rather spending time with someone and getting to know them.  I honestly hate dating...but mostly the part where I don't know what is going on.  If one knows that a person is interested, it is easier. 

Do you know what I hate most of all? That I compare every---EVERY---relationship to what I had with my ex fiance.  We had an easy time starting to date and it was pretty easy most of the time...granted he didn't communicate with me and tell me his feelings openly leading to a huge breakup three weeks before a wedding date.  I want things to be more known to me at the beginning, but then I think what if that was the problem.  I second guess myself in everything I do.  I know it was years ago--but it has affected me deeply by judging myself and every other man I will ever date.  To them, I apologize.  To myself, I apologize as well.  Just be be clear, I know I wasn't perfect in that relationship.  I did things I made it a place where he didn't feel like he could talk to me and probably made him feel not as manly has he needed to feel among other things.  Every relationship is more than one person's fault.  Truth is I blame myself.  Yes, I am grateful I am not married to him, but I carry the blame and have for years and like I said, it makes me second guess myself and dating.

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