Confused...

I am confused...I don't know what I want.  I will tell you what I don't want though.  I don't want to be jerked around by anyone.  If you like me, great!  If not, great!  I don't like this wishy-washy business.

If you are afraid of hurting my feelings--just hurt my feelings.  If you don't want to talk to me, don't.  If you don't like me-fine! Don't go back and forth acting like you like me and then pulling away.  JUST BE HONEST! Ya, honestly may hurt...but it hurts less than dishonesty. I feel jerked around by multiple people right now.  I feel jerked around at school, in my online dating life, in friendships...everything.  I just want honestly.

I am aware that I am not perfect.  I have some habits that can make others feel uncomfortable.  So does everyone else.  I deserve people being honest with me at the very least.

Overall, because I am confused because of lack of communication, I don't know which way to go.

Cross Dressing Yikes

Yes, today I got a message from a guy online who was literally a cross dresser.  Yes he confessed everything...and said he really likes that and wants to be with someone who loves him for who he is.  As much as I would love to be understanding...I know I could not be with someone like that.  I am sure he is nice and good in many ways...but the answer is no!!  I need to be the feminine one in the relationship, not one of the feminine ones.  I don't even wear heels that often...a man can't wear them more than I do. THE END

Grumpy Teacher

You know grumpy cat...well today I was grumpy teacher.  I swear all of the things that I tried to do to help my kids stay on task and work, were not working.  My after school conversation with my friend Tammy I think shed some light on some things I should do.  We were talking about relationships.  She is in a pretty serious one!  YEAH!  We were talking about processing things and how sometimes the ones we date don't process things the same way.  I tend to process things by talking it through with myself, write about it on my blog, or talk with others.  Its not even that I want it resolved super quickly, but I just want my thoughts out there.  Other people like herself tend to need time to resolve things and process things.  What we maybe both realized is that we need to be a little more compassionate and understanding of others as we process things differently and try to address their needs as well as our own.  Now back to grumpy teacher.  I need to make this a win-win for the class and myself.
My needs:
1. I need to teach them concepts and skills
2. I need to them to listen so they can learn said concepts and skills
3. I need them to work hard
4. Respect for me


Their needs:
1. They need to have engaging lessons (perhaps I have been a little too boring)
2. They need their reward they earned...we just didn't have time today kids. Sorry it is coming!
3. Respect from me and others
4. Love from their teacher


I do address some of these needs...just maybe I need to be a little more understanding of where they are coming from.  I need to place myself back into their shoes.

UPDATE

So you know that Brit who was not super nice?  Well later in the day on Saturday, he asked if we could start over.  I said ok sure.  He asked if I wanted to do something that night.  I pretty much said I needed to do grading. Yes it is true, but I also wasn't ready to go out with him since he blew me off earlier because I was just trying to be honest about the whole going a little slower thing.  He really did make me uncomfortable talking about relationships and kissing me.  bleck! It isn't that it maybe wouldn't be ok eventually, but on the first time you talk to me it is not acceptable.  He texted later that night to see how grading went.  I said ok and that I was watching a Jane Austen movie. He seemed put out that I wasn't texting...except that I was, I was just watching a beloved movie at the same time.  One that I probably could quote so it was totally ok I was texting.  He said good night.  On Sunday he texted me about 9:30 pm.  He asked how I was.  I told him I was getting tired.  He said ok good night then.  Just because I say I was getting tired doesn't mean that I can't talk or text. I told him I wasn't going to bed until about 10:30/ He asked if I could talk.  I said yes but not for too long, because I needed to still organize some things for the next day.  He told me that this was getting dull and that any friendship we were developing was over now.

My impressions:He is kind of a jerk.  He also needs to chillax as my friend Scott said once about the bishop on our river rafting trip.  I was just being honest.  He basically told me the day before that we were over because I overreacted.  Maybe I did...but he also did make me very uncomfortable with all his crap about wanting to kiss me and if a relationship worked out kind of talk.  That is not ok for a first conversation.  So I was just trying to say that I needed to be a little slower, but was still excited to meet him.  He is not the man for me.  I dodged a bullet.  Maybe there is a reason why he is divorced and it isn't just his wife as he was implying on our conversation.

OKAY

What is supposed to happen next?  I don't know.  Every time I pray the answer I get to my prayers is that it will be okay. What does that mean?  I don't know.  Does it mean I will find my husband?  Does it mean I will be single?  Does it mean that things will potentially work out with someone I already know?  I just don't know.  I will do my best to go forth with faith.  Faith is sometimes a hard thing for me.  I know that God will direct my path one way or another.

What I do want out of this life:
A loving husband who works hard on our relationship...because both of us need to work hard.  He needs to be loving, kind, good and a hard worker.
Having a family with children of my own (I would love to be a step/bonus mom too).
Be successful at accomplishing goals in my career.
Having good friends that help me and I help them.
A chance to help others.
Returning to My Father in Heaven.

Life Lessons learned from Jane Austen

I have seen and read Jane Austen type things many times over.  Sometimes I binge watch everything I own or can borrow.  Sometimes I reread things.  These are some of the things that I have learned from Jane Austen.

• Good books stand the test of time
• Good stories deserve to be told again and again (it is ok to make adaptations and continuations)
• Be careful who you trust, be careful to get to know one's true character  There are often too many douchey men out there like Wickham
• Don't judge people upon your first meeting--just look at Mr. Darcy!
• A well written letter can make all the difference--Captain Wentworth you pierce my soul!
• Follow your heart, don't let people talk you out of what you know is best for you.  Ann Elliot and Harriet Smith were talked out of their true love by others. Both luckily were able to end up with the right man in the end.
• Don't loose hope--good things happen can happen even when all hope is gone--Ann Elliot you are too patient
• Being kind to others is never a bad thing
• Treat people with the respect they deserve even if they annoy you like Miss Bates and everyone deserves respect
• Don't jump to conclusions like Catherine Morland did
• Money should not make a difference in who you marry
• Vanity working on a frail mind produces every kind of mischeif
• Be cautious--Thank you Mr Woodhouse
• You can marry as an older woman like Miss Weston
• You can make up for your mistakes and become a better person like Emma
• Listen to those who have your best interests in heart, but make decisions on your own to be better
• Sometimes dashing men like Willoughby draw our attentions away from much more deserving men like Colonel Brandon.  Though we may fall in love with them, we must look more to the true character of them.
• Sometimes people are hurting inwardly--never assume your hurt is more than someone else's
• Forgiveness is important
• Instinct (the spirit) can help us choose good men
• Don't live on borrowed money...it brings nothing good
• Be frugal and live within your means unlike the Elliots 
• Objects are just things--one does not need objects to be happy
• Be a good aunt like Miss Bates--love your nieces and nephews and be excited for good things in their lives

Problems

I just had an epiphany of how I deal with things.  I don't think I do this 100% of the time, but I sure as heck do this!  I try to solve things from the past in current interactions.  That is what I did today and that is why I don't have a date.  I wasn't uber excited about it, but I thought it was a good first interaction to move on.  Yes the guy seemed nice, but I wasn't feeling entirely comfortable, so I tried to solve things by being clear.  I didn't want any misunderstandings.  I feel like in my past relationships with men and women both romantic and otherwise there have been misunderstandings.  I was just trying to solve those things.  I maybe was a little over honest with him and myself.  Ron Davidson, a former coworker, said sometimes I was too honest.  This is probably true.  I just need to take some time to observe before I act or say something.  Easier said than done, right?  I will try to do my best.