Moving on

So I am really attempting to move on...but I find myself still thinking about what could have been.  Really the only issues we had were communicating in a way that didn't cause anxiety for either party.  No hurt was intentional on either end.  When you are with someone, you need to try to understand how they process things and view the world.  That helps when you are communicating.  No, that doesn't mean you will be perfect at it, or should be, but it can help.  It helps us give each other the benefit of the doubt.  It helps us make an effort to word things in a way that helps the other person.  We want to leave people better, not worse.  Both of us had a hard time looking beyond our own perspective.

So in my attempts to move on, I have reactivated my online account on okcupid and started bumble.  NO I don't love either, but its a start right?  I have a date with a British gentleman today.  He seems nice and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, so that is promising right?  However, he seems to be going 90mph when I want to go maybe 50.  In my last relationship, he wanted to go 25.  Speeds can help or hinder the relationship.  Perhaps just my conversation with this British man has helped me to realize that maybe I was pushing too much without realizing it and making him uncomfortable in my last relationship.  All I know is I did my best!

As for first dates...that is all I am expecting...just a first date.  This will help me move on regardless of if we go on more dates.  I also liked the flirting and attention.  I think I needed that on some level.  Remember how I feel a little unwanted and unlovable?  Ya...well this helped a little and I also know change comes from within, not without.


***Update...I texted this fellow and said something about I am excited for our date, however I am not ready for things to go too fast.  I only said that because of our conversation last night.  He talked already about a second date and a possibility of a relationship and wanting to kiss me.  It a little bit freaked me out.  So now he said he was going to postpone maybe forever the possibility of a date.  Oh well... It isn't that big of deal.

Understanding

Just because I am and was hurt doesn't mean that I don't understand how he was confused and hurt too.  I do have some empathy in this whole process.  I maybe didn't allow enough time, or maybe overthought somethings, but I do understand.  When there was a misunderstanding, I tried to ask questions to fix it. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes he became annoyed at me.  I try to resolve things.  I think the problem is that we all view things through the lens of our past.  Everything is filtered through our past triumphs, mistakes, pains etc.  That doesn't mean that we have a full understanding of what is going on.  We try, but we don't have a full understanding.  My understanding of him was through the lens that I have and visa versa.  We only understood as much as we had background understanding to help us "get it." We probably could infer some more information...but there were some critical things we did not understand about each others emotions or background.  I don't know what it is like to have been married in my 20s and married for 15 years.  I don't know what it is like to have kids.  I don't know what it is like to have a parent die.  I don't know lots of things, but I can try to have empathy and I think I did on some level...maybe not enough.  He also doesn't know what it is like to have someone break up with you 3 weeks before your wedding date, or to be perpetually single, or so desperately want to have children but know that your biological clock is ticking and that may never happen, or to be a single woman in a church where there are more faithful women than men and know that there is a chance that you may be single the rest of your life.  We don't always understand what causes others fears or uncertainties or any other emotion completely, but we should try.  We need to also be open enough with our emotions and thoughts so that someone we are will can start to understand how we feel. When we are with others we need to try to have a paradigm shift so that we can see through their lens.  It is hard, but I do think it is essential in any kind of relationship.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts.  I find a dichotomy in my life.  I want to talk to him and tell him little things that happen during the day.  I like talking to him...but now I can't.  I also don't want to talk to him, because I really don't think I mattered enough to him.  I think he liked having me around.  Maybe he even cared for me to the best of his ability, but it was hard for me to not really know what he really thought since he didn't express it.  If I asked he said he couldn't express it. Fair enough! Our demons from our past crept into our relationship.  My anxieties kept me asking about how he was feeling.  I wanted to trust what he said or did...but because of my broken engagement I couldn't fully.  I really tried.  Because of his divorce and how it all ended and even the whole marriage led him to not be able to express himself.  We were two damaged beings that tried to figure it out, but struggled.  It became too much.  I still care for him, maybe still love him but the love is more platonic at this point and less romantic.  It hurts too much to be romantic.  I will continue to try to overcome this anxiety, but I don't know if I can completely without being in a caring committed relationship with someone who understands that I have these anxieties and works with me.  That is not to say that he is perfect, just understands that I have fears about relationships.

Unlovable

I feel rather unlovable at the moment.  Yes I am fully aware that my break up wasn't all my fault.  I own my mistakes.  I know some of my mistakes, but not all of them, or to the full extent.  I will get there.  I try hard and fully invest myself in relationships.  It doesn't work for me apparently.  Despite my efforts, I am someone who is not good enough for a relationship.  I feel unlovable.

Yes I know this isn't all true...but it feels this way.  Everyone deserves to be adored.  I deserve that.  I may never get it, but I deserve it.

Validated

I do feel a little validated.  I stuck it out for a while because we were authentically learning how to do a relationship--our relationship.  Now things were mostly pretty good, but there were somethings that really and truly were awful.  Some of this were because of bad habits both of us had developed because of our past.  Mine were because I had been single for a long time and also had anxiety over things that reminded me about my broken engagement.  His were more about dealing with things that reminded him about his marriage and his ex wife.  We were really truly not great at communication.  We were horrible at it.  I tried to ask questions, but he wouldn't talk.  I would push harder(not a great idea) and he would pull further away emotionally.  That was only part of it.  Sometimes he would say he would do something like call me, but not even bother to text if something came up.  That is a problem right?  I do feel validated on at least that point.  I talked to a male coworker today and talked about the saying he would call and then nothing.  He said that was a red flag.  I feel validated because of that.  I know I made mistakes too, but I often felt like it was made to be that it was my fault because I overreacted.  Yes, I probably did, but I didn't always.  Sometimes it wasn't my fault--I should not have received blame for everything.  I also understand that he is healing over being married for 15 years--but that does not mean he is innocent in everything, or that his needs always should trump his partner.  That is not so.  I stuck around because we didn't have that many problems.  Our problems were not many...but they were big ones like communication.  In the end he broke up with me.  Fair enough! I said to myself that I would stick around because communication is one thing that you can work on.  I wasn't going to break up with him because of that.  Yes my heart hurts and probably will for a while.  I hate it.  I do love him. Maybe I shouldn't.  I know we had other issues too, but they were small and just required talking--our big problem.  I legitimately tried to fix things.  That is why I came across as overreacting..I just wanted to fix things. I own that I made mistakes.  I can do better.  Dating sucks!  The end!

Give up or stick it out?

When should you give up or stick it out?  What if it is better for someone for you to just back out?  What if it is better for you?  What if it isn't?  What if sticking it out could be the most beautiful thing?  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now trying to figure everything out.  It may be wonderful and beautiful, but there may be a lot of heartache along the way.  Is that worth it?  I don't want to cause any more pain or heartache for others and that is what I feel like I am doing.  I am making it hard for others and I can't do that.  I am not strong enough to cause people pain, even if it is unintentional.

Frustration

I am so frustrated!  I know I am not perfect by any means.  I make mistakes, so many mistakes.  So it is time to vent for a second and try to make a plan to make myself better.  I feel like some friends I have are not true friends.  I get that people are just trying to take care of themselves, but it doesn't mean I am not hurt or frustrated.  Planning for the future with others is hard when you all have different needs and wants.  Yes you want to work together, but you don't want to feel shafted either.  I don't like it.

So planning to make myself better. 
1. Really listen to other people.  Don't assume my problems are more important that other people's problems
2. Try to find some sort of compromise when working with others that everyone feels like they are ok in the end
3. Its ok to not get what you want, but it is also ok to fight for yourself.
4.Pray and listen for guidance