Update of sorts

Yes I haven't written in a while because I got busy, no one reads my blog and I simply didn't want to update since nothing really all that pressing or interesting has happened in my life. I have been wondering what to do for a while in my career.  Should I stay or should I go from my school.  Do I want to stay in 5th grade, in Jordan District or what?  i am also trying to see the Lord's love for me with some success and some non success.  My principal may move me to a new grade.  Is that what I want?  I don't know.  I do know that I have a friend who just got made a principal and I can maybe move to his school which is actually a blessing. I emailed him and he emailed me to tell me he would let me know of any openings.   He was a great teacher and I have no doubt about how good a principal he is.  I guess we will see. 

comfort given that's not comforting

Living as a 30 something in a Mormon pro marriage community people sometimes try to offer comfort.  Sometimes it is comforting and well meaning.  It shows who really cares about you.  Often, however, even with people who care, it comes across as harsh and not comforting at all.

When people say things like, I wish I was single--you can do whatever you want?  Or even when people in the church with a position of authority say things like if you are faithful you will be provided with a spouse.  What that means to me is if I make any mistakes, I am screwed.  I see people who are married who make all sorts of mistakes, but me as a single adult--sorry if you aren't faithful enough you don't get the blessing of marriage.

I recently listened to a talk written by Pres. Ezra Taft Benson.  It was delivered by Thomas S. Monson.  In it he said that people, women mostly, shouldn't put off marriage and children for finishing school or having a career.  The way it was worded was supposed to be comforting, but really just implied that if you have those things your priorities are in the wrong place. 

That being said I am just doing my best.  I am generally happy as a single person. I work on finding things in my life that are going well and focus on the positive.  That generally is related to my educational success and my career success.  If I hadn't done those things, I probably would still be single--but would have nothing to show for it.  Aren't we supposed to try to improve ourselves.  Study out of the best books and such...I know people try to be comforting--but generally they are not.

What should happen instead?  Find things we have in common and focus on those.  Don't dwell on my singlehood--I do that enough for the both of us. Help me focus on the positive things I have going for me in this time.  Spend time with me, talk to me, love me for who I am and not for who I am not. 

Austenland and True Life...

I just got back from watching the Movie Austenland with my friend Tammy from work.  I adore her and love spending time with her.  We had a great time.  Note to self, do not eat cookies, pop, and popcorn for dinner again, your body doesn't like it.

Austenland is about a girl Jane, who is played by Keri Russell in the movie.  She is obsessed with Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen fame.  In the book it goes through her list of boyfriends and how they don't live up to her Mr. Darcy.  She tries to keep her Darcy love a secret.  In the movie it is spilling from her.  The movie was true to the ideas of the book, but it had to tell the story a little differently to make it work in that format.  Shannon Hale the Author was one of the writers of the screen play so you know it would be.

I have read the book twice, the sequel once, and now seen the movie.  I also have spent many hours reading and watching other Jane Austeny films and books. When I read the book the first time I was a little horrified.  I was too much like the main character and it kind of scared me.  I was too obsessed with Jane Austen! My life is not like that.  I don't even have a Regency like vacation to help me find what is real.  I have a different journey.

We all have our "ideal man" don't we?  For Jane it was a man who resembled Mr. Darcy.  As much as I love Darcy...I don't think he would be the man for me.  I am much more of a Colonel Brandon kinda girl, or Mr. Knightly, or even Captain Wentworth, but less of a Mr. Darcy. 

Sometimes we hold our standards so high that we don't see the real around us.  We can't see the beauty in people that we meet. 

I am always excited to hear people who have good news about finding their love of their life, but at the same time depending on their past experience it will depend on how excited I am for them.  If they are younger than me--excited--but jealous!  I have a cousin's daughter getting married soon and she is getting married to a great guy who has a master's degree.  That is pretty much what I want!  I have put my time in to get a master's degree, I want that from my husband.  My cousin who passed away a few years ago, his wife is getting remarried to an amazing man I met at the family reunion.  Very excited for her, but yet jealous again.  How is it she can find two amazing men before I can even find one.  I find that when people are closer to my age and with a similar experience or if I spend a lot of time with them I am much more excited for them.  Though that is not always the case.  When my younger brother got married a year ago I was excited--true--but also disappointed.  It's not fair I would say.  He is 6 years younger than me and is getting married to a girl who was under 20. Yes I love her and she is very nice and now we have a little wee baby who I love and adore even though she was just born a few days ago, but that doesn't change my heartbreak for me.  I love what I have learned in my 18-now 32 years and my experience are valuable, but I don't understand why some people get married young and some people get married when they are older and some never get married. Clearly I am not a person who got married young.  But will I be a person who gets married when I am older?  Why does this happen?  Basically I am heartbroken that my time hasn't come.  Yes I can be happy, and yes I have had a great life thus far, but I don't want to be alone. 

In Austenland, she was able to find the man who is perfect for her.  In Austen novels, the women find men who are perfect for them even though they don't always see it at first.  Marianne thought Willouhby was perfect for her, but then grew to love Colonel Brandon. That is what I hold on hope for.  I will find someone perfect for me.  Not perfect, just perfect for me.

Reasons you know your biological clock is ticking...

Tic, Tic, Tic

Please take this as a joke as it is meant to be, but as in any joke there is some truth to it all...

• You sometimes walk down the baby aisle at the store and swoon
• You have dreams about having kids
• You have talked to your woman doctor about someday having kids and how hard it may or may not be
• Your favorite part about church is seeing the cute babies and possibly getting to hold one
• You know more than you should about the pros and cons of birth control
• You plan on playing the "baby lottery" when you get married and hope that you will win the jack pot
• You become emotional when you read a Jimmy Fallon article about how he discusses how he and his wife had infertility issues
• You follow your friends facebook and blogs about their adoption process
• You become uncomfortable in church when they talk about marriage and family
• You know and maybe have possibly even googled information about the breastfed and formula fed baby debate

My life as the "OTHER WOMAN"

So I just found out I was the "Other woman." How does that work you ask?  Well I will tell you.  I have been on a two dates with the same guy.  I had fun.  I had hope for something more.  We even kissed. I know that that doesn't mean we were in a relationship.  We weren't. So how does this make me the other woman? Well apparently he was dating another woman for some time.  They dated off and on.  It was not super serious from what I gather because she lived out of the state. He did like her however and even had a former Facebook profile pic where he claimed they were friends in the comments. In the meantime we were set up and had a pretty decent first date.  He asked me on a second date...a few weeks later.  It was good. We ate dinner, watched a movie and made out. I tried to go with the flow and let him take the lead.  We texted or FB messaged a few times back and forth, but always with some time in between.  He even contacted me within the last week. Last night I found out he was dating this other girl and has been for a while.  Honestly, I am not upset at him but at the situation.  Who wants a romcom experience where you are a negative supporting role? I wasn't that into him really because all I got was a text every once in a while. That is lame.  I was pretty much over him anyway because I didn't think he was that into me with the lack of contact. But I hate that he turned me into the other woman. He was just keeping me on the back burner in case his main dish didn't quite turn out.  I don't like being there.  Now how did I learn this--well a person I work with is a sibling of the girl this guy is now dating.  It showed up on Facebook and now I know.  And because of the situation I asked my coworker if his sister was dating someone.  Yes, I did that! We have had conversations in the past about her because she is in my same boat...you know the one where you are over 30 and single boat. I know she was upset he was dating other girls. My coworker said so. I would be too.  She was just hoping for the best, as we all do. I hope for the best for her and for her future.  She after all is a girl after my own heart...she is over 30 and single. 

Perpetual Singlehood

Yes, I am single, and yes I see the benefits of it as we'll as the negatives.  What I would really like to know is if I am meant to be single my whole life or if at some unknown date I will find the guy I am supposed to marry.  Some friends I have say they would rather not know so that they can still have hope that the miracle of marriage will still happen at some undisclosed time.  I want to know.  Yes right now I am holding out hope.  I occasionally go on dates.  If they are good or have any potential at all my hope grows a little.  I am not saying I am psycho, because I am not.  But if it is a good date and he is a good guy--- then I hope a little more.  I don't think after one date I will marry that man or anything. I just hope because I am ready to close this chapter in my life. If I am supposed to be single my whole life--- it would be liberating to know.  I could move on from dating.  I could go on vacations, I can make new friends. I could work abroad.  I could serve people and be the best dog on aunt in the whole world.  I feel like hoping, waiting, and doing my best to get married sometimes holds me back of things I think I would enjoy like working overseas.  I haven't done it because I hope to get married and I know chances are even slimmer if I were to move abroad.  I want to know.  That is not how The Lord works.  I need to have faith in envy footstep.  I need to think of the lyrics of "Lead Kindly Light" where one step [should be] enough for me. Or think of Nephi were he was led by the spirit not knowing beforehand the things he should do.  That's hard.  I don't always recognize the spirit, so I feel like I am making decisions alone.  Being alone is what being single is all about.

friends from a former life

I saw a friend last night I haven't seen in years.  It is amazing to me that I could go back and we had conversations we had in high school or college.  I will be honest however.  Because we are in totally different places in our lives, I didn't think it would be this way.  It is refreshing to know that there are friends that can last a long time.  There have been so many friends I have had in my life that were only in my life for a time.  Perhaps for some it was before they got married, and others while they were in classes, or a ward or at work were my friends but have since move on, but really haven't I as well.  I have moved on to other friends and to other experiences.  I am glad to know that even though we have moved onto new experiences, we are still friends.  THAT IS A GOOD FEELING.