Dodged a Bullet

I have returned to the family branch.  I will admit it isn't my favorite, but the Branch President is nice and so are many in the branch who knew me from before.  It is amazing...people talk to me.  That was not so much the case going to the GINORMOUS ward.  Ok so I know it isn't really a ward, but really a branch as well, just an 800+ people branch.  As I was leaving today I walked by the chapel.  I looked inside because I am glutton for punishment.  My former fiance attends that ward.  Seriously did he not realize that I could still live where I do and we would be in the same stake and attend church in the same building?  I guess not!  That was one of the reasons I went to the Mid-singles ward in the first place.  I honestly didn't want to run into him week after week.  So as I glanced inside the chapel he was there.  He was holding a small baby.  At this point I have a few thoughts running through my head:

1.  Why do I even care?  Why am I doing this to myself?
2.  I am proud of myself for not really freaking out.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes.
3.  I am happy for him.
4.  I am a little jealous because I want to be married and have children.
5.  I am so glad he didn't see me.
6.  What was that comment from the branch president about?  Would he really not call to primary?  Hmm who knows?  Do I really want to be called to primary? (Ok this one is simple--I just want a calling that helps me feel needed and helps me want to come to church)

Later on today I facebook stalked him--yes I am that person.  He posted something in June about wanting a job and asked fb for suggestions of how to find one.  He said he wanted to have a job in film or in guitar.  He has a bachelors in film form UVU and said he has played the guitar for years.  First of all I don't really know about the guitar.  He never played it for me and when I asked he would always try to push it off and say later.  Does he really know how to play?  And film is great and wonderful, my brother and sister-in-law do it, but they have master's degrees and live in L.A. and have a hard enough time making ends meet and finding jobs that are really sustainable.

I then looked up his wife.  There were no pics of the baby or should I say babies on facebook.  She had twins.  Great wonderful...but that made me a little upset because I have always wanted twins.  As I have posted before on this blog I have had dreams of multiple births.  It almost felt like they are living the life I was supposed to have...before I snapped back into reality.  I don't want him.  I don't want a guy who is just a dreamer and will have a hard time for years and most of his life finding a decent job.  Yes I want someone to have aspirations--but I also want a steady pay check.  I value consistency.  Sad to say it but I felt smarter than him. I never really liked it. I was willing to deal with it at the time, but that isn't what is best for me or what I want now.  I think he just wanted some little wife that was subservient to him as the man and head of the household.  I am not that woman.  If anything has come out of this Kate Kelly excommunication in my life it is that I will not play second fiddle to a man.  Some women seem to be ok with that in the church letting all decisions go to their husband.  (Let it be said here--for me Ordain Women isn't just about women getting the priesthood. It is about showing women they have a place in the gospel and it is equal to men.  I could also go either way on the priesthood for women. I don't feel less because I don't have it--but there are certainly inequalities in the organization of the church and in Mormon culture that I am not ok with.)  I don't want to be more than a man, or less than a man.  I want to be equal to him.  I don't want to have to rely on him to get into heaven or not to get into heaven.  I am still an individual even if I were married.  His choices are his own and my choices are mine.  We can make some together and help each other.  I want us to be help meets to each other.  I want us to use our strengths to make a great marriage--not just a so so one.  I want us to help each other with our weaknesses and want to make decisions together, but I will still be Rachel.  I am not willing to give up my identity for man.

While engaged, I said that I was kinda sad about loosing my last name. He acted defensive to that like I didn't want his name.  It wasn't that.  Even though I am independent and probably a true feminist, I do plan on taking my husband's last name.  I just felt like I was loosing part of me.  Part of my rich heritage.  I have early American colonial history from New Amsterdam--1623--that is pretty dang good.  I have Mormon pioneer stalk.  This is just from my last name.  There are also so many amazing things from my mom's side of my family.  My ancestors were cheated from money as pioneers in Sanpete county by LDS neighbors.  They lied to them and wouldn't ever repay the money.  What they did was admirable.  They chose to forgive and not let them determine if they should remain in the church or not.  I have grandparents who taught me to love others and show them that they are important.  I am still learning that one.  The list goes on and on...I don't want to loose that.  I will not give up who I am for someone else.

So I dodged a bullet by not marrying him.  I don't think I would be happy if I was.  I would feel stifled.  I won't say I am happy all the time being single or in any other relationship status in my life.  I cried this week about my lack of feeling part of the church, a romantic relationship, a family etc. this week. I have insecurities and I am working on them day by day but I am blessed because I didn't marry him.

Longing...

I had a true blind date last night.  It was a slow start, but that is fine.  It isn't like I haven't been there before or maybe will be there again.  After eating and playing games we just talked and it was probably the best conversation I have had with a man who isn't related with in years and probably in l
ast a decade.  This includes the ex fiancé. We shared personal things not just surface stuff like what kinds of things do you do...though that was there too.  I don't know how to describe it exactly.  I felt like I could be open and I feel like he felt the same thing.  I was more myself with him than I usually am--even sometimes with friends.  I often try to hide or partially hide my true self.  Yes sometimes people get part of it and can infer much but I actually said the words with him. I was open with everything. Regardless of any future dates(which I have my doubts) I have a sense of longing.  I feel like there is something missing that I never knew was lost.  I never knew how much I needed a conversation like that.  Though we had different opinions about recent events and what will or may happen we listened and tried to understand each other's perspective.  I want that with people.  I want that with a husband.  I long for a relationship that provides for conversations like that.  It was freeing and game me urgency to work harder to be better for myself.  So thank you my bearded date.  We may or may not see each other again, but I have learned much from you about myself.

Quantified Good

On Saturday I spoke to my oldest friend.  You know the one we all have--the one you don't ever remember meeting because they are as old as your memory.  Yes we haven't spoken in years, but does that matter?  No! True We have grown and changed and have less in common than we once had.  I do know I can always count her as a friend.  She could read right through me. She asked how I was and like we all say I said "I am good."  She said that sounded like a quantified good.  Well it is.  Honestly, this has been the hardest year of my life. It hasn't been the hardest event of my life, but the hardest year.  I don't want to get into it on blog--but just know this has been a horrible year! 

For whatever it is worth--I appreciate people who can really tell when I am struggling. I understand that I wear my emotions on my sleeve but often people ignore it.  Don't we all just assume people want their space?  I appreciate their support despite all the tears and puffy eyes I have had this year and especially these last few weeks. 

Yes my good right now is quantified.  It isn't a pure good--but there is hope for the future.  There is always a new day ahead of us. There are always ways to improve and have a fresh start.

Focus

I can't focus!!! I am having a hard time thinking and focusing on what I need to get done.  I wish I was better at this.  I am going to rely on what I have on the past.  Turn on the soundtrack to Life is Beautiful and think about everything I need to do and just get it done.  The soundtrack is comforting and helps me focus if it is in the background.  I hope it works.
:)

Feeling down...

I am feeling down.  I wish I knew the reason, but just life and feeling stuck I guess.  I feel stuck in my job and in church and then I feel guilty for feeling this way and then I feel worse.  I shouldn't feel this way about church, but I do.  I want to feel good about it and I want to see light at the end of the tunnel but all I feel is dark and dismal right now.

Goals for helping myself feel better:
Make sure I take my vitamins and eat right.
Go to the gym more often.
Spend time with those I love--friend and family.
Make new friends.
Read more.
clean up my life---dejunk!

THE END...for now

My Collection :)

As many of you know I collect boyfriends, you know, fake ones.

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything? "

I have TV boyfriends, movie star boyfriends, reenactor boyfriends etc.

Here is a list of some of them

My LateNight TV boyfriend Jimmy Fallon,
My PopStar boyfriend Justin Timberlake
My Cardboard Cutout Boyfriend Zac Efron--he now lives in my classroom--or did he is now in another teacher's room.
My Movie Star Boyfriend Matt Damon
My Science Boyfriend Bill Nye the Science Guy
My 90s TV boyfriend--and maybe another Movie Star Boyfriend Will Smith
My TV Boyfriends Timothy McGee, and Lenard Hoffstader(characters not actor in this case)
My British TV Boyfriend David Tennant
My Old Movie Star Boyfriend Christopher Plummer
My Jane Austen Boyfriend Colonel Brandon and maybe also Mr. Knightly
Another Book Character Boyfriend Gilbert Blythe
All of my boyfriends through time--look at previous posts
etc...etc...The list really does go on and it changes frequently--mostly by adding. :) Let's be honest, I am not giving up on my boyfriends.  They help me feel better about life and make me smile.  We all need that in our lives.

I do want to be "part of your world."--You know the one where I have a love not just fake boyfriends.

Update of sorts

Yes I haven't written in a while because I got busy, no one reads my blog and I simply didn't want to update since nothing really all that pressing or interesting has happened in my life. I have been wondering what to do for a while in my career.  Should I stay or should I go from my school.  Do I want to stay in 5th grade, in Jordan District or what?  i am also trying to see the Lord's love for me with some success and some non success.  My principal may move me to a new grade.  Is that what I want?  I don't know.  I do know that I have a friend who just got made a principal and I can maybe move to his school which is actually a blessing. I emailed him and he emailed me to tell me he would let me know of any openings.   He was a great teacher and I have no doubt about how good a principal he is.  I guess we will see.