1. Why do I even care? Why am I doing this to myself?
2. I am proud of myself for not really freaking out. I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes.
3. I am happy for him.
4. I am a little jealous because I want to be married and have children.
5. I am so glad he didn't see me.
6. What was that comment from the branch president about? Would he really not call to primary? Hmm who knows? Do I really want to be called to primary? (Ok this one is simple--I just want a calling that helps me feel needed and helps me want to come to church)
Later on today I facebook stalked him--yes I am that person. He posted something in June about wanting a job and asked fb for suggestions of how to find one. He said he wanted to have a job in film or in guitar. He has a bachelors in film form UVU and said he has played the guitar for years. First of all I don't really know about the guitar. He never played it for me and when I asked he would always try to push it off and say later. Does he really know how to play? And film is great and wonderful, my brother and sister-in-law do it, but they have master's degrees and live in L.A. and have a hard enough time making ends meet and finding jobs that are really sustainable.
While engaged, I said that I was kinda sad about loosing my last name. He acted defensive to that like I didn't want his name. It wasn't that. Even though I am independent and probably a true feminist, I do plan on taking my husband's last name. I just felt like I was loosing part of me. Part of my rich heritage. I have early American colonial history from New Amsterdam--1623--that is pretty dang good. I have Mormon pioneer stalk. This is just from my last name. There are also so many amazing things from my mom's side of my family. My ancestors were cheated from money as pioneers in Sanpete county by LDS neighbors. They lied to them and wouldn't ever repay the money. What they did was admirable. They chose to forgive and not let them determine if they should remain in the church or not. I have grandparents who taught me to love others and show them that they are important. I am still learning that one. The list goes on and on...I don't want to loose that. I will not give up who I am for someone else.
So I dodged a bullet by not marrying him. I don't think I would be happy if I was. I would feel stifled. I won't say I am happy all the time being single or in any other relationship status in my life. I cried this week about my lack of feeling part of the church, a romantic relationship, a family etc. this week. I have insecurities and I am working on them day by day but I am blessed because I didn't marry him.