Quarantine Life

2020 has been a crazy year.  It has been since March 13 that we have basically been at home.  I have of course ventured to the grocery store and dollar store.  I have been to the school to clean and pack up stuff.  Earlier on I helped a few people to get set up on google classroom--but nothing much.  We are asked to social distance so I haven't spent much time with people.  I have visited with a few friends and my parents.  My cute littles did a visit in my parking lot and it brought so much joy to my life.  I adore them!!  I wish I could see them far more often. Things are starting to open up.  Not sure how safe that is or how much  I should do it.  I wear a mask when I go to the store even though I hate it.  

I stay at home most of the time...and yes I still live alone...and yes it sucks.  I am lonely.  I feel alone and unwanted.  Dating life still isn't my favorite and honestly quarantine dating is kinda worse than normal dating.

Few things I have noticed about myself and others about dating in general and quarantine dating.

Some of us(me included) are taking this virus to be serious.

Some are not and are offended when you aren't ready to meet in person...yet.

Being physically wanted is still a thing if not more so when you aren't around people is big.

Some people are trying hard to communicate by expressing themselves and listening--others are not.

I am trying and more than often failing at that.

A few things that have gone down recently.

One guy was upset that I wasn't ready to meet him or have him come over to my house on a first date.  My rule still stands of meeting someone in a public location.  Sorry bud.  Also wanting to come over on a first date means all you want to do is get into my pants or some semi chaste variation of that.  I wasn't ready to meet him in person yet partially due to my own insecurities and past.  Honestly I have issues with trust of both myself and others when it comes to dating. I only talked to this guy for a little less than a week before he decided I was too much of an effort.

Another guy I talked to with shorter conversations for over a month.  Nothing super serious.  I wasn't sure how busy he was since he expressed how busy he was.  He had kinda drifted off in the chatting so I asked if he still wanted to get to know each other.  He said yes.  A few days later I said something like looks like you are really busy.  I see how that could have come across as snarky or accusing.  I am working on that...but am far from successful about it.  He then told me I was immature because I didn't answer some phone call he said he made that I still did not receive unless it was a number I didn't know and he didn't leave a message. He rudely asked if I took mental pills--like taking pills to help with mental issues like depression and anxiety are a bad thing.  I didn't really respond to that until after saying something like its ok to take those if you need them.  He told me he didn't date chubby chxs.  Fine  but why were you talking to me for about a month.

Right before this went down I went on a few dates with a guy who liked me.  I guess we had matched previously and I vaguely remember it.  He said he had hoped we would reconnect because he liked me and had a crush on me.  During those dates and conversations I was trying to figure out how I felt about him and accidentally led him on making him feel used.  It was not intentional and I still feel really bad about it.  I don't think we were a match and really didn't and don't feel right about it even though I think he is a good person.  

Lastly, a guy who I have been talking to for a while friend zoned me a while ago.  We still talked but in my heart I knew he cared about me.  I thought maybe he did so due to living far away from me.  I care about him and really did and do like him.  I could see a future with him more than just a friend.  I guess I always treated it that way. We had some gaps in our communication about how we process things and communication styles.  Something I am working on and I am sure he is too.  He told me today that he wanted to be done and bow out.  It hurts, I am not going to lie.  I deleted all contact information and said he was welcome to contact me in the future if he felt like it.  I know I got frustrated and so did he about our gaps in communication and processing things differently.  In January I said something, before he friend zoned me, about how he seemed to not know what he wanted and when he did he should contact me.  He talked to me the next day.  I tried to give him space.  I tried to do what he seemed to want, but in the end our communication and verbiage used in that communication ended it.  Its ok I suppose.  I don't want him or for me to feel like we are always doing something wrong and we got to that point that we were. 

Honestly I don't know where the level is of trying to stand up for things I need in a relationship and what they need.  

I am talking to another guy who has kids.  He seems ok thus far.  Haven't met yet due to this quarantine thing, but he seems to be ok with me being unsure it is a good time to meet because of it.  He still has to leave his house for work, unlike me who is trying to manage at home and do online schooling.  I would like to meet him.  I just don't know how safe it is to meet up with people even though I long to be with people(mostly just the people I know and love).  

And catfish are plenty abundant--and yes they still basically follow the same script. 

Quarantine life is frustrating...I feel unproductive in basically all aspects of my life.  I don't feel like I am an effective teacher. I miss my students tremendously.  I don't feel like I am an effective dater.  I don't feel like a am a decent baker or cook--though I did get my hands on a sour dough starter and am trying some things with the discard.  I haven't been brave enough to try a loaf of bread yet since they are more intense.  On a semi positive note, I haven't worn make up in over a month and really don't mind it.  Granted I don't wear a lot of make up but still.

So this composition was not really on any one topic and was mostly ramblings but I needed to write it down.  I am frustrated.  I am frustrated with this virus.  I am frustrated with myself for not quite having these relationship skills down yet.  I am frustrated about being alone most of the day.  I am frustrated about teaching and what is going to happen in regard to the virus and other things.  I am frustrated about biological clock issues and getting closer to my birthday and still another year passing and still not in a place to have a child.  I want to be a mom.  I always have.  I hate having biology against me.  

On a positive note I am trying to start looking for a place to move.  Hopefully I can find a good fit.  I think I did need to live where I am for a time, but it is time to move on.  (maybe even longer than time to move on).

So ramblings are coming to an end since this didn't really have a clear thesis statement.

Much luck to everyone during this time.

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears Oh My!

There are not lions, tigers, in my life...but I do have catfish, turtles, spiders and yes...a bear.  Let me explain...

Catfish....bleh...I am so tired of catfish. It seems like on almost any dating sight I have ever been on there are catfish.  They are the ones that claim to not be in the country because their job, usually in the military, has taken them elsewhere. They often are "deployed" and just looking for someone to have a relationship with.  They want to message you off the dating sight quickly on something like kik or google chat.  Sometimes they ask you for money and more often than not their story is they are a widower/or they were cheated on who would really love to have a relationship again. I bet most have taken a picture that is not their own and claim to be that person.  I have caught a few of those...some who later show me pics of their real self and one I saw that was someone I knew in high school.  Perhaps he is a cheater or perhaps someone stole his pic...I still don't know.  Regardless I hate it!!

Turtles are probably one of the worst.  They seem to like you but move at such a slow pace it is hard to keep interest in them.  They are hesitant to move quickly because of their past, or they truly just like being alone.  I will admit I am not fantastic at initiating phone calls. Maybe that is what they want?  I am good at initiating text and sometimes even too good because I sometimes over text because all I want to do is to get to know someone.  I tend to jump in with both feet to see if something works.  If it doesn't work quickly that is fine and we both can move on, but I hate this drag things on over the course of weeks/months for just 2-3 dates.  If you like me, lets see if this works by talking/going on dates.  If you don't like me than just tell me.  Don't ghost me, don't be rude to me to push me away, just say, "I am not feeling a connection with you," or "I don't think we are a great fit." It doesn't have to be phrased exactly like that, but give me something.  Don't drag things on...don't only talk to me or text me every few days.  Turtles, I like you...I just hate your pace.  In this case, slow and steady does not win the race...it makes me loose interest fast.

Spiders are horrible!  They are much like turtles that only communicate with you or go on dates with you sporadically and slowly, but they are worse, much worse! They tend to do it because they are stringing you along--making you wait in their web.  They do this because they are "too busy," They need time alone, they are dating multiple women and trying to make up their mind about them, etc. Because they give me some initial good feed back I tend to do something I am really great at, over text.  I know this is a fault of mine.  I know also that If I got a reasonable amount of responses, even ones that say "I am busy right now, but I will chat with you later." I need to get better and just going with the flow or just not responding to such men.  I need to have enough self respect not to text them.  I text too often that they think and they do treat me poorly because I will always be there.  I am always there because I care about people.  I know they may be going through whatever crap they are going through so I make excuses for their poor behavior.  I need to just stop it because all it does is make me think that I can never find anyone, or that I deserve to be treated this way, but I don't!  No one does.

Finally to the bears.  Bears are the men who you have talked to or maybe even dated that contact you out of the blue. They hibernate and come back. I had one this week that contacted me.  We went on a few dates about a year ago, when he was in Utah.  He lives out of state.  We talked and texted for several months after that.  I like him and always did, but things got hard because of distance. He asked if I was dating anyone and I said I wasn't really, but talking to several and been on a few dates with some.  I said I wasn't sure how much any of these men really liked me.  In my head I was thinking it was because they are turtles and spiders.  He responded in the most kind way possible.  He told me that he didn't know what the men in Utah were thinking.  He told me I was wonderful and often thought about me.  I like hearing those things.  Why can't men in Utah do that?

I have seen some men fit in more than one category.  They can be a bear and a spider, or a bear and a turtle or any other combination.  I want to find a dog.  Dogs are your best friend.  They are loyal.  They want to be with you.  They are excited to spend time with you.  They miss you when you are gone.  They give you cuddles and kisses. 
Where is that dog for me?

Moving On...progressing

My life is kinda crazy.  I am moving on from a bad relationship to something better.  What that is I don't 100% know.  I am trying to learn from my past failings and become a better person.  I have certain temptations that are definitely harder to overcome.  There are things that are hard for me.  I loose my patience with certain things, I fail to be as kind as I could be or compassionate.  I can do better.  I don't need some ass or asses determining my future.  I can determine my future and make it great.  It will be hard.  It will be challenging. I can do it.

AAAK

Some major changes have happened since I last posted in this blog.  In a moment of weakness, I looked the ex boyfriend up on fb.  I saw a girl who commented on his public post.  I looked her up and found her instagram and saw that both he and she are engaged.  YES I said engaged.  Now this is several days after I have found out.  I was very upset the first day or so and still don't feel awesome now, but have more calm in my heart.

These are the reasons this bothers me so greatly.

1. He always said I was going too fast for him. He either started dating her when we had our little break of dating and continued when we were dating, or he started dating her in November. Basically that means he was unwilling to meet my family in the same time he got engaged to her.
2. He had a hard time saying things like I care for you or love you to me.  He told me it was too hard because of everything he went though with his divorce.  He even said I love you and took it back.
3. Initial stages of dating suck!  I have been on several first dates and even a second date with one guy.  I like a few of them enough to continue talking to them and see where things go, but I can't say I am really into any of them.  They are also going through the same thing on the other end.  I am positive they are going on dates with several women.
4. I feel stupid I put up with the crap he pulled on me.  He ignored me when I expressed concern about my anxiety about relationships and even told him what would help.  I really just wanted good communication about thoughts and feelings.
5. I feel like he lied to me the entire time.  One example is how he said he wanted someone different than his ex wife.  Well according to my research, his fiance seems to be more similar to his ex than what he seemed to claim.
6. I don't feel like I was ever a priority to him.  He always put me last on his list.  I maybe was on the list, but always last.  From my investigations, he doesn't treat her that way.  That is a good thing for her, but he was a douche to me.


What I think right now is that I was convenient for him.  Maybe not in distance because we were 20 minutes or so away from one another.  I was convenient because I said nice things to him, I offered to help him in doing things.  I tried to be good to him.  Yes I probably was more bombastic than I should have been.  I just like being around the people I like being around.  I like being with people.  I know I wasn't perfect in things.  I was clingy(ie I just wanted to be with him, talk with him etc), I had anxiety about things(my emotional baggage), I don't always have life experience with dating.  I have had a bunch of early dates.  However, only 2 men have I had a serious relationship with.

I should listen to my gut.  I wrote a few notes in my phone at various times in this relationship just to get feelings out when I was out and about.  Both indicate how I was feeling stress and anxiety about things.  I put up with some things because I knew he was hurting.  I still don't think he realized how his actions played into my anxiety.  For other women it probably isn't as big of deal with communication.  They like doing their own thing and let their husband do theirs.  I just want to spend as much time as possible with my husband.  I want to be able to talk about deep stuff, and heavy things. I want to go to the grocery store, or just sit next to each other watching TV.  Marriage isn't just about the exciting things, but about the day to day experiences. That is living the dream my friends.

I asked my brother Stephen for a blessing.  I don't remember everything but here are a few things I remember:

Heavenly Father and Mother love me and want me to not give up They want me to be happy and that marriage and children will come, but it will be hard.  Don't give up!

In addition to those kind words, Midnight the cat gave me cat lovies. He loves me too!

I also got a text in the middle of the day from one of the gentlemen I am talking to and have been on a date with.  It was serendipitous and a tender mercy.

This all happened on Thursday.

On Saturday I felt the presence of my former roommate Amanda.  She passed away about 11 years ago from leukemia.  Once when we were roommates, we cried over stupid boys we had crushes on that didn't like us back the same way even though they flirted with us.  It was kinda immature and dumb.  I think because of that connection, I was able to feel her comforting me.

People at school have been very supportive.  The teachers, copy ladies, office etc have been wonderful.  They tell me things that I know to be true, but it still hurts.  They say things like you are better off with out someone like that.  My principal even said when I had a conversation with him that that wasn't right.  Validation is helpful.

My relief society president and the elder's quorum president and his wife were also helpful on Monday.  They said similar things to the people at school.  My relief society president even suggested that because of his experience with me, I was able to help him move on from his exwife and be able to now find his fiance.  She said Heavenly Father knew that this was part of my role to help him because I could handle the pain.  He loves him too.

Friends I have had for years and siblings have been helpful and comforting.  They are supportive even if they don't want to hear the same things over and over again.  They are wonderful.

My favorite validation was from Facebook though.  I blocked him, not for him, but for me.  Facebook told me "I am sorry you had to go through this experience."

All in all I am grateful for all the support I have had from friends, family, coworkers etc.  They are amazing!

Unkindness, Less Confusion, Frustration etc...

I have a weakness, a major weakness.  When I feel hurt, or frustrated, I snap at people.  These are people I care about.  I say unkind things that are partially true, but are unkind.  It isn't all the way true, but has at least a minimal amount of truth.  I did this last night.  I was unkind to someone.  The same person I have been confused about for months.  He maybe didn't deserve it, but he also maybe wasn't that great to me either.  He had been ignoring me for a while.  I asked him a question and it ended up he wants me 100% out of his life.  Yes that is ok.  Yes that is probably a good thing, but the way it came out upset me, especially since I had a horrible day.  I snapped at him and said something very unkind.  He told me that when conversations like this happen, the real me comes out.  That kind of implies that I am rude, nasty etc...Yes I have my moments, but at my heart, I don't feel like I am rude, nasty etc.  I have moments of great unkindness.  I am frustrated.  I am frustrated at myself.  I am frustrated at the situation.  I am frustrated.  I am less confused because there is a clear line.  Fine.  That is FINE. He is a good person.  He isn't perfect and he was hurtful with or without realizing it.  I am a good person.   I am hurtful sometimes and I do know it.

I need to work on some of my weaknesses.  Well its time to start!

Still Confused...but will be ok

I am still confused.  We started dating some again...not really intensely, but we did see each other. I do believe he cares about me, but decided he needed time not with me.  We still talk some, but nothing exciting.  I know he dates other girls...I have also been out with people and talk online with others.  I am not that into it.  I hate this part of dating.  The part where you don't really know each other and are trying to make sense of things.

As far as the former boyfriend...I still care for him.  I suspect I always will.  I could renew things with him perhaps someday. I do think there would need to be a complete commitment.

I don't know if I should just drop the idea or not.  When I pray about it, I get the feeling that everything will be ok. that is about all I get.  I see the validity of dropping it.  I see the good reason to try to keep things up.  I don't know.  I know there were issues...but don't all relationships have problems?  Would I be able to find something better or just something with a different set of challenges?

I don't know.  I am trying to walk by faith...right now I am trying to err on the side of just dropping it all, but I am not successful at it.  I will keep trying.

Confused As Ever...

I don't know where I am heading and I am pretty much fed up with meaningless chatter on online dating sites.  It is slowly killing me!! Yes, I have been on dates and yes it was ok, but I don't want to go on an endless stream of first dates.  Should I continue with this trying to be proactive business?  Should I try to reconnect with the past?  I don't know.  What is it that is best for me.  Nothing is perfect, NOTHING.  Can I live with somethings? Yes, I can...but should I have to?

On the not so fun front a guy from church, whose wife died about a year ago, was hitting on me.  He is socially awkward and not someone I would ever be interested in.  He called me up last night to ask me a question about church.  I responded in a text because I didn't want to talk to him.  He asked me a follow up question.  I responded.  He then asked if he could call or text sometime...guess what I said?  I said that he should only if it was about church.  I have literally no interest in him.  Like I have heard before every pot has a lid.  He found the lid to his pot with his wife.  I am so very sorry his wife died.  They fit together.  I know he is lonely.  I often can be lonely too.  Lonely doesn't mean you should be together.  Loving someone also doesn't mean it is a good fit.

What do I want?  I want a healthy and happy relationship.  That doesn't mean I think it will be easy, or with out work.  I do think that there will be fights, disagreements and hurt feelings, but overall I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I don't want to be alone.  How can I achieve this goal?  I don't know.  Going on first dates from online doesn't seem to be producing the outcome I want.  That doesn't mean that it won't...eventually.  Do I have that patience?  I don't know.  Do I have the patience to let someone figure out if he wants to date me or not.  I don't know?  I just don't know.